


In These Wings We Hold

by chekovthechosen



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Gore, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-01-15 22:37:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1321786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chekovthechosen/pseuds/chekovthechosen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi breaks off his engagement with Erwin in order to hide a dark secret. However, through mysterious workings it doesn't take long before Eren finds out just what the Lance Corporal is hiding - and he has to be prepared to take it to the grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Conscience

**Author's Note:**

> When I add more updates I'll add more tags ^ ^ hope you like it!

Erwin had been sitting at the table reading a newspaper when Levi came in. The shorter man crossed over to him with an uncharacteristic glint of fear in his eyes and a tremble in his lower lip. He clenched and unclenched his hands nervously.

 

            “Smith,” He intoned in his normal silky voice, devoid of as much emotion as possible. “I - ” He faltered and paused for a moment before sliding the engagement ring off his finger and placing it gently on the table. “I’m breaking it off. All of it.”

 

            Erwin responded with the first words that came screaming into his mind.

 

            “But… why?”

 

            Levi gave him a slight smile but it didn’t hold any happiness.

 

            “It just isn’t working. You said yourself the other day that it’s less of a relationship and more of a dictatorship. If you don’t give me a command, I get out of control and surly. It ends with you having to give me an order and I follow it as if I am a soldier. It’s not functional.” Levi stated coolly.

 

            “Levi, I’m sure we can sort something out if we try hard enough.”

 

            “No.” Tears shone in Levi’s eyes. “No, we can’t.”

 

            And he turned to leave, the lamplight exaggerating the vibrancy of his pale gold skin. He ran his fingers down the wood hesitantly, as if he was making a mistake that he would regret. It almost seemed as if he was going to walk back over to Erwin and hold him close, but instead Levi strode out and closed the door softly.

 

\------------------

 

 

            “Jaeger.” Levi called, slamming his books onto the table. “Research. Sit down and read.”

 

            “Corporal, I can’t read those.” Eren reminded him. “The letters go all fuzzy and weird for me.”

 

            “Go outside then.” The shorter man barked, his temper more snappish than usual. He kneaded his forehead in frustration, a grimace on his face etched in with the finest creases and curves. “I couldn’t care less.”

 

            Eren looked at him, perhaps for a moment too long, before nodding and getting up.

 

            “I’m going to help in the garden.” He forced on a grin. “Would you like to help?”

 

            “No. I hate dirt.” Levi sat down and stared at his wrists. There were fine lines of brown, scars drawn thin against his skin. It was hard for Eren to tell which wounds were from battles and which ones Levi had done himself. Then again, they were both the same thing really.

 

            “Corporal,” He said quietly, reaching out a hand to touch him. Levi jumped and jerked his chair backwards away from Eren. The boy averted his gaze to the wooden floorboards. “Never mind.”

 

            Levi watched him as he left, dark eyes weighed down with dark secrets. It was the complete opposite of Armin’s clear blue eyes, wide with wonder and hope and shaded with the kind of colour you would find whole and safe, the kind of colour that a child’s favourite blanket would be or the colour of the sky on a summer’s day.

 

            Yet, he still found himself drawn to the power coiled in Levi’s lean muscle and small frame. He found himself wanting to run a hand through the Corporal’s hair, black as shadow and moonless nights. He found himself wanting the smell of leather and soap rather than Armin’s fresh linen and lavender scent. Eren heaved a sigh and stepped out into the garden where the blonde boy was kneeling in the grass uprooting weeds.

 

            When Armin saw Eren, he beamed and waved enthusiastically.

 

            “Eren! Come help us!” He yelled, somehow reinvigorated and refreshed by the sight of his childhood friend. Just by seeing that, Eren felt a pang of guilt about his attraction to Levi when Armin was so dependent on him.

 

            “Coming,” Eren shouted back to him, jogging over. “What is it?”

 

            “Sasha and Connie are doing the vegetables, Jean’s cutting the grass at the back and I’m weeding. I’ll do the rest of the flowerbed because that was Jean’s original job but he managed to pull up some flowers as well. He doesn’t know which is which.” Armin tapped his bottom lip thoughtfully. “I guess that leaves you with trimming the hedges. The shearers should be in the box over there by the porch.”

 

            “Okay.” Eren nodded and went to get them.

 

The box was an old wooden crate, musty and relatively unused. Inside was an assortment of gardening tools. He picked through them carefully, feeling the coolness of the metal on his skin compared to the mid-summer heat. Out of nowhere, he noticed a crooked corner of paper sticking up from the equipment. Eren dragged it out carefully so as not to rip it. He unfolded it and in neat italic capitals, which took him some time to discern, it read ‘Erwin’s Gardening Things’. In smaller but clearer writing, a newer note said ‘remind him to pick it up’. Obviously Levi had forgotten to do so, or he had just changed his mind about calling Erwin over and having to see him again. Either way, the man had just stuck it into one of the storage rooms until Sasha literally stumbled upon it whilst looking for copies of military records in the back.

 

Eren felt like going back to where Levi was sitting and telling him about all of Erwin’s things that were still there, and to ask if the Lance Corporal wanted them moved. Instead, he traipsed back over to Armin with his right hand clutching the shearers and his left tightly clenched around the note that had been stuck to the old box. He only noticed that he was still holding the scrap of paper when he got ready to start trimming the hedges. Too lazy to put it back where he found it, Eren scrunched it up and lobbed it over the bushes.

 

“Eren?” Armin looked at him questioningly. “What is it?”

 

“Nothing.” Eren said truthfully. The note was of no significance to him.

 

“Okay then.” The blonde rummaged in a small burlap sack and produced two sachets of seeds. “What flowers do you think we should plant?”

 

“Titans are rampaging around outside the walls and you want to know what kind of flowers you should plant?” Eren groaned. “It’s futile, Armin. Those plants won’t help us. There’s not even a point putting them there. Sooner or later, this house will be destroyed. Either the titans get in and smash it apart or the military police come along and burn it. You can’t possibly think that it will matter, right?”

 

“Yes, Eren. All things end. They will fall apart. They will crumble. Maybe even some day, the humans will completely die out and so will the titans. Perhaps all the life in this world will be gone in the far future.” Armin shielded his eyes from the sun with his arm. “It’s still nice to have the things we love before that happens. It’s better living in luxury for a day before you die than worrying about how useless it would be to feel good before your death. Make it count before it’s gone, Eren.”

 

“Geez, Mr Philosopher, you’re making my head hurt with all that deep shit.” Eren began to cut the hedge savagely and he could feel sweat trickle down his left temple.

 

They worked in silence for a while until Jean strolled over with his shirt tied around his waist. He looked just as uncomfortable as Eren felt in the sweltering heat.

 

“Oi, Armin, you got any drinks on you?” He asked, taking a handkerchief and mopping the sweat off his brow.

 

“No, I’m sorry but you’ll have to go back inside and get some.” Armin stood up and went to kneel by the flowerbed. He took a small spade and started to dig a row of small holes. “By the way, Jean, should I choose the tulips or the hyacinths?”

 

“Choose whatever.” Jean shrugged. Then he said to Eren, “Hurry up, Jaeger. Just watching you cut so slow is making me sluggish. In fact, your handiwork is terrible. Are you trying to trim the hedge or kill it?”

 

Eren stayed his blow, but he was shaking with anger. Something about Jean pissed him off. That guy had a rich-boy attitude, the kind of guy who never learned because he had never been taught a good lesson.

 

“Back off, Kirschtein.” Eren growled, his grip tightening on the shearers.

 

“Hey, hey, I was just joking. No need to get so uptight about it.” Jean sauntered away. “Still, it’s nice to see that you can continue to be so hyper even in this heat wave.”

 

“That’s Jean for you.” Armin smiled as he watched him disappear inside. “He doesn’t mean what he says. He’s super blunt about things but he doesn’t want to hurt people.”

 

“I don’t want to hear it.” Eren sat down next to Armin.

 

“Fine.” Armin said, pushing bulbs into the holes. He had decided to use half of one kind and half of the other, so they alternated between a bluish-purple and a speckled white. When he was done, he filled up the holes up with dirt and patted down the uneven lumps of earth with the back of his spade. “All finished!” He said with glee, wiping sweat off his face with the back of his hand.

 

Eren let out a small chuckle and tenderly wiped the smears of dirt off Armin’s face.

 

“You forgot to take the gloves off.” He laughed and Armin joined in.

 

“Sorry, I guess I’m tired. Why don’t you finish your work while I go get some lemonade?” He packed his stuff back into the sack and slung it over his shoulder. “Plus, I’m starting to wonder if Jean died or something. It’s been a long time since he left.”

 

Eren didn’t want to even move a muscle, so he flopped back onto the grass. It was moist because Connie had watered the lawn at some point, but it wasn’t enough to be muddy. He closed his eyes and although the warmth was stifling, he somehow managed to fall into a restless sleep.

 

In his dream, Marco was sitting at a table with his head in his hands. He was trembling like a leaf in the wind and small whimpers escaped his throat every few seconds. Eren edged over, unsure of what to do.

 

“Marco? Are you okay?” He touched Marco’s shoulder to try and reassure him.

 

“Something’s wrong.” Marco whispered. “Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong, wrong, wrong. No,” He looked up, fear in his eyes. “ _Someone’s_ wrong.”

 

“Who?” Eren urged, and he shook Marco gently. “Tell me who, Marco!”

 

“I’m dead, right? They can’t kill me, right? Please tell me they can’t hurt me, Eren.” Marco muttered, and he began to cry quietly. “I’ve said too much. Oh, I’ve said too much. Can’t be here. They’ll find me.”

 

“What? What’s going on?” Eren hollered, agitated by how terrified Marco was. Somehow, he knew that he should leave. He could feel something horrifying watching him in the shadows. “Marco! Hurry up and tell me so I can get out of here!”

 

“There.” He raised a quivering hand and pointed to the corner of the room, wrapped in darkness so thick that all Eren could see was a pair of shining eyes.

 

Then, all of a sudden, Marco shrieked in pain. Eren turned to look at him but it was too late to help. The skin on his arm was bubbling and blistering. Blood trickled down his fingers.

 

“Run.” Marco managed to choke out before he let out another blood-curdling scream. His arm exploded, blood and muscle and bone fragments flying in all directions. Eren stood there shocked as the warm coppery liquid splattered across his face.

 

Eren tried not to gag, but something compelled him to reach out and touch the raw red of Marco’s shoulder where his arm had been. It was gushing crimson and the skin edging the wound there was charred and burnt.

 

“Marco, how did this happen?” He whispered. Eren himself did not know what he was talking about, whether it was humanity facing its extinction, watching his comrades die gruesome deaths one by one, losing his family or the corruption of the military in the walls – the walls that no one could escape.

 

“It’s really all the human race’s fault, right?” Marco looked up at him and Eren felt a knife of fear in his gut. “Someone is going to die. That is the message I bring from the other side. Don’t worry Eren, this place is just as full of poverty and corruption as our world. Most of us don’t even remember what the sky looks like.”

 

Marco half-smiled and closed his eyes just as the right side of his face blew off. In the moment when that happened, time froze for a few seconds and Eren could see the skull fragments, blood, brain matter and more all suspended in mid-air. The scene cut to black, and he was jolted back into the waking world.

 

Eren immediately leaned to his side and threw up into the grass. He could taste the bitter vomit in his mouth and he hated it. Armin ran over to him from where he had been on the porch.

 

“Eren? Eren, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” He asked as he took a towel and wiped at the boy’s mouth.

 

But Eren didn’t say anything. Jean was standing a few feet away looking surprised while Sasha, Connie and the rest of his team appeared to be concerned. Levi was standing in the window and when Eren made eye contact with him he looked away. Standing at the side of the house was Marco, his body brutally torn apart. He grinned with what was left of his face and drew a finger across his throat slowly before disappearing.

 

Eren was sure he had just slipped back into sleep because when he closed his eyes and opened them again, Armin was sitting back on the porch. He had still vomited at some point, because the contents of his stomach lay beside him, with a few flecks spattered against his leg and a trickle of it running down his chin. If he didn’t move soon, it would soak into his trousers.

 

“Eren!” Armin yelled as he sprinted across to his side. “Eren? Eren, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

 

The eerie similarity of his dream to what was happening chilled him to the bone.

 

“Maybe I ate something off.” He mumbled as he tried to get up. He was dizzy and lightheaded, so he had to sit back down and press a hand against his pounding head. Armin sighed through his nose and grabbed him, dragging Eren’s head down into his lap and cradling it there.

 

“You really are a bozo you know, Eren, making me worry like this.” Armin took out a cloth and dabbed at Eren’s mouth. “Just rest a bit and then we’ll move you inside. Say, Eren, you were shaking uncontrollably before you woke up. Did you have a nightmare?”

 

“I guess you could say that.” It wasn’t exactly lying, but it was still far from the truth. The grotesque image of Marco’s disfigured and bloody body was seared into his mind and no matter what he did he would recall an echo of the strong smell of blood, or the sound of the flesh tearing apart.

 

Eren heard a strangled sob and turned his gaze to his left. Jean was stumbling backwards, a wild look in his teary eyes.

 

“You!” He jabbed a finger at Eren. “You said Marco’s name. You pleaded with someone not to kill him, I heard you say it. Just what were you dreaming of, you sick bastard?”

 

“I told you. It was just a nightmare.” Eren dragged himself to his feet. “I don’t even remember it anymore.” However, as he said those words he glanced to the right side of the house where Marco had been. “Not a bit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this piece of work, please leave kudos or some feedback. I don't get a lot of that, so it would be much appreciated!  
> (◍•﹏•)  
> Plus usually if I get positive feedback for a chapter update in a series I get to writing the next part on the same day. I guess you could say I'm lazy :) I don't mind letting myself down by not finishing this story but I don't want to let other people down, so if anyone wants to see the next part then I'll get to writing it pretty soon.


	2. Futility

Levi was still sitting there where he had been when Eren left him. The number of books had increased vastly and they surrounded him in towering stacks. When he heard the sound of Eren’s footsteps, the gravel trapped in his shoe soles crunching against the wood, he slammed his book shut with such alarming force that Eren jumped with fright.

 

“Lance Corporal.” He acknowledged him with a gulp before moving on out of the room. Levi had looked as if he was about to say something, but he stopped himself.

 

Armin came in shortly after him, bustling around with such stifling concern that for a moment, Eren wanted him to go back outside and leave him alone. However, that passed when Armin flashed him a smile, so genuine and beautiful that his heart almost stopped.

 

“Eren, let’s get you into bed, okay?” He coaxed, placing a gentle hand on his friend’s shoulder.

 

“Sure, whatever.” Eren mumbled, blushing furiously as he clambered into his mattress, sinking into the soft mattress. He rolled over and was about to pull the covers up when Armin tucked him in instead, with the same calibre of love and care as his mother.

 

“Go to sleep.” Armin ran a hand through Eren’s hair twice, only twice, before he stood up. Eren could feel it as Armin’s soft fingers brushed against his roots and when they came sliding out of his dark brown locks, he could feel them undoing loose tangles and very delicately letting the ends rub between the forefinger and thumb, if just for a moment. “Once you’re better, you should let me brush your hair for you. It’s a bit of a mess.”

 

“O-okay.” Eren looked at the wall to his right so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with Armin. The only thing that the blonde had done was touch his hair and that simple action alone had been enough to render him flustered and uncoordinated.

 

“And… um… Eren?” Armin ventured as he closed the curtains, slowly encasing them in darkness. “I’ll come in later with some water, but be careful only to sip it. I’ll bring in a bucket too just in case you feel sick again.”

 

“Alright.” Eren mumbled as he hid his face under the blankets.

 

“I couldn’t hear you, but I’ll just assume you said ‘okay’ or something like it.” Armin opened the door as quietly as he could. “Goodnight, Eren.”

 

He said this as Eren could hear the sounds of Sasha laughing and Jean shouting, as sunlight tried desperately to crawl past the curtains and keep Eren awake and as two round drops of sky stared at him in the dim room.

 

“Thanks, Armin.” Eren said as the boy was shuffling away.

 

Armin turned around, surprised at the sudden courtesy and his beautiful warm blue eyes brightened considerably.

 

“Sweet dreams.” Armin said happily, before adding, “Goodnight. Again.”

 

“Yeah, goodnight.” Eren yawned and let his eyelids slide shut. His bones felt like lead as he tried to get into a comfortable position.

 

It was amazing how Armin could say ‘goodnight’ to him at five in the afternoon and Eren would just fall right asleep, without arguing a single thing with him. Nobody else had that kind of power over him. Well, that he knew of. He wasn’t going to be excited for the day that Jean Kirschtein decided to put him to bed.

Eren was just drifting away when he heard a movement in the corner of the room. He froze up for a moment, his instincts telling him to be on guard, but when he listened out and was met with silence, he relaxed again. It wasn’t long before he fell asleep. He didn’t know when exactly he even started to slip out of consciousness, but soon enough he woke up drenched in sweat. He had had the same dream again, but this time he managed to hold down whatever was left in his stomach.

He threw back the covers and ambled out of bed into the kitchen where everyone was sitting at the table. Most of them had finished their dinner, except for a few stragglers who were still picking at their food.

 

“Ah, there you are.” Armin was still at the stove manning a pot of what smelled like tomato soup. “I heard you getting up so I put it back on the heat. If there’s too much food for you I can just feed the rest to Sasha, okay?”

 

“Um, yeah.” Eren sat down at the table nervously. “Hey, Armin?”

 

“What?” Armin glanced over his shoulder, a flash of blue sparkling iridescent in the brilliant light streaming in through the window.

 

“I - ” Eren began, but when he looked to his left he saw that Jean had returned to the room and was standing in the doorway with a wary glare on his face. “Never mind.”

 

The last few people around hurriedly stopped eating and took their plates to the sink, picking up on the rising tension with practised ease. After all, they had to live with this.

 

“What is it Jaeger? What can’t you say in front of me?” Jean demanded, eyes narrowed to jagged slivers and fists clenched into a warning.

 

“Thanks for the meal.” Historia said to Armin. “It was good.”

 

The others murmured agreements before walking out of the room at the fastest pace they could without seeming rude.

 

“You want to hear about my dreams, Kirschtein?” Eren snapped. “Why, is it because you don’t have any? Did they all die with Bodt?”

 

            “Eren!” Armin spun round swift as lightning, ladle in hand. He seemed to catch himself and the affronted look faded from his face and replaced itself with embarrassment. “Sorry.”

 

Eren was furious and somewhat hurt that Armin had chosen to defend horseface over him. Still, he rolled his eyes and pretended not to notice.

 

“Why are you _so_ touchy over Bodt?” Eren felt bad for venturing there, but he had just as much of a right to be upset over Marco’s death as Jean. It pissed him off how the bastard went around defending his selfish interests with Marco. “So I had a dream with him in it. Hallelujah, call the fucking king.”

 

“Don’t bring him up!” Jean shouted angrily, the rage showing on his face stark as blood on paper. “You have no right to bring him up!”

 

“Whatever.” Eren turned away. “It’s not as if I’m seeing his goddamn ghost, Kirschtein. It was just a dream, however much you’d like him to still be around somehow.”

 

Jean was quiet then, and Eren was sure that a million things to say were whizzing through his mind. They probably weren’t good enough on their own, and it didn’t make sense to go into a barrage of points that might not all be linked together, so Jean just turned and walked out.

 

“That was mean, Eren.” Armin turned the flame off and started pouring the soup into a bowl. Hot steam rose from it and he leaned back to avoid being scalded.

 

“Was it really?” Eren asked.

 

“Forget it, I’m sure that you’re just tired.” Armin handed him his dinner. “Be careful and try not to eat too fast or too much. Your stomach might not be feeling well enough yet.”

 

“I know, I know.” Eren took a spoon from the table and started eating.

 

“I’ll soak these first.” Armin stacked all the plates and put them into a metal basin filled with warm, soapy water. “I need to go check and see if Levi’s eaten yet. He hasn’t had much of an appetite lately. I think the breakup hit him hard, you know.”

 

“I’ll stay here.” Eren said weakly. His heart was still beating fast from the adrenaline and his cheeks felt puffed up with heat. It felt like a fiery hand was gripping his neck firmly.

 

“Oh, I forgot about eating hot things on a hot day. Must be unbearable, huh? Just put it aside and wait until it’s only warm.” Armin untied the apron before lifting it over his head. “Right, let’s go find the Lance Corporal. Have you any idea where the extra key to his room is? He’s been locking the door lately and I think he got rid of it.”

 

“Nope.” Eren stirred the soup idly.

 

“It was worth a shot.” He folded the apron in half lengthwise and put it on the back of a chair. “I’ll be back soon.”

 

Armin had to force himself to walk past the living room where everyone was playing a chess tournament. They did invite him, but he declined politely without even looking to see who was speaking.

 

Levi’s room was only three rooms down from there. The dark mahogany wood of the door stood tall and proud with a curved brass handle, a delicate leaf pattern engraved into the sides. Armin reached out and touched it tentatively. He could hear ragged breathing coming from inside.

 

“Lance Corporal?” He rapped the wood once with a knuckle, but there was no response. “If you haven’t had anything to eat and you want dinner, you better come now.”

 

There was a silence followed by some heavy gasps, which Armin could only discern as “go away” after a minute or two.

 

“Lance Corporal, what’s wrong?” He enquired.

 

This time, there was no sound. Another door closed, perhaps the one to the Corporal’s bathroom.

 

Armin sighed and left to go back to the kitchen. Eren was still sitting there playing with his food and looking utterly bored.

 

“Hey, is it cool enough now?” Armin asked dejectedly as if he was too tired to care, but it was his duty to ask. He pulled out the chair next to Eren and the loud scraping noise made him wince slightly.

 

“Huh? Yeah, it would be better if I eat it now, right? Since you’re starting to wash up and all.” Eren put a spoonful of the hot, verging on burning, liquid into his mouth. “I can take hot things just fine until a certain point.”

 

“Thank goodness.” Armin put his head in his hands. “I want to get to bed as soon as possible.”

 

“Why, is something bugging you?” Eren lowered his spoon.

 

“Not at all. I’m just tired because I’ve been worrying after everyone all day.” Armin crossed his arms on the table and rested his head on them. “Both you and Levi aren’t feeling well.”

 

“Is everyone else fine?” Eren lifted up his bowl and began to drink directly from it.

 

“Yes, but I think you really hurt Jean today. He wasn’t playing with everyone else; he was just sitting in the corner looking out the window. I guess he just misses Marco.” Armin said softly.

 

Eren leaned over and kissed the top of his head tenderly. Armin’s hair was silky and smelt of lavender and soap. When he pulled away, the blonde sat up slowly, as if the realisation of what just happened was dawning on him. He brightened up a bit and gave a small smile.

 

“Goodnight, Armin.”

 

“You must be sick of resting, so you might as well go enter the chess tournament. Good luck beating Bert - ” Armin stopped himself and reconsidered. “Historia.”

 

Eren nodded and patted his shoulder quickly before striding out of the room.

 

            “We are broken.” Armin said to no one in particular. It felt good letting go of the words, releasing them into reality and hearing them for himself. It made all of it seem so much realer and the crack in his voice gave it the perfect little touch. The fact that he had to stop himself from saying the names of friends multiple times each day just because they were either dead or traitors – it cut to the bone.

 

            It cut him to the fucking bone, and unlike Eren, he would never be able to heal that wound. Never.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support guys! I'm really lazy and stuff because I don't mind letting myself down, but I'm pretty cautious of what others think - comments usually get me jumping out of my seat to go type the next chapter. •u• is there a limit to my apathy? Nope, didn't think so~


	3. Purity

Levi still felt like shit in the morning. He did his best to disguise it though, keeping his posture as rigid as ever and adding more detail to his focus. His eyes were dark like rolling thunderstorms as he sat at the breakfast table.

 

“Good morning, Lance Corporal.” Eren said in earnest through a mouthful of oatmeal. “Hope you slept well.”

 

There was a raw burning sensation in Levi’s throat, like he’d swallowed a mouthful of sand and broken glass, and he knew that if he spoke, his voice would come out as broken and ragged as he felt. He sighed deeply through his nose and tried clearing his throat as quietly as he could. It did nothing to help him.

 

“I thought you stopped being his personal dopey fan, Eren.” Jean poured himself a glass of water. The ice clinked against the glass, and condensation rolled down the curved spout of the crystal jug he was pouring it from.

 

“I did! I mean, I’m not his fan, okay?” Eren stammered, part embarrassed and part angry.

 

“Give him a break, Jean.” Armin took a croissant from the basket. He liked the feel of the moist warmth coming from the delicately crisp layers of the pastry as they crumbled under his touch. “Lance Corporal, would you like to eat something?”

 

“No.” He managed to choke out, but it was a feeble murmur.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.” Armin smiled. He licked the crumbs from his fingers happily. “Would you like something to drink?”

 

“What do you think?” He whispered harshly. At least he was able to do that, though it was still barely audible.

 

Armin slid a glass of water from his end of the table over to his superior officer without saying a word.

 

Levi picked it up and attempted to gulp it down and stifle the cough welling up in his throat, but he was too late. He put the cup down and doubled over, clamping his hand over his mouth as he let out a hacking cough.

 

“You okay?” Jean leaned over to him, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I’m fine.” Levi wheezed into his palm, but when he took his hand away from his face, he saw a flash of red. Panicking, he slammed his hand back over his mouth. He pushed it against his lips as hard as he could, trying to keep the blood from seeping out. He hadn’t expected it to happen this fast.

 

“You sure?” Jean looked suspicious.

 

Levi gave a sharp nod before getting up abruptly and letting his chair clatter to the floor. His small frame shook as another round of coughs rattled through him.

 

“Something’s wrong.” Eren whispered to Armin. Although he had tried to be as discreet as he could, Levi’s gaze fell upon him for a moment. The look of a dying animal shone in his eyes, vengeful but afraid.

 

Levi turned and bolted from the room then, leaving behind him a room of stunned silence.

 

“Should I go after him?” Armin asked, dazed.

 

“No.” Jean said firmly, his hand gripped tightly around his glass. “He’s fine. Even if he isn’t, do you think Levi would appreciate us babying him?”

 

“He wouldn’t.” Armin was forced to agree.

 

“Exactly.” Jean leant back in his chair and spun the glass around on the table, wiping the condensation off the cool surface with his sleeve as he turned it.

 

“Hey,” Sasha came running in. She had already finished her breakfast at lightning speed earlier, and had gone outside to sit on the porch and snack. Now she stood in the kitchen door flushed and out of breath. “It’s Erwin.”

 

“Why is _he_ here?” Eren demanded. “He knows Levi doesn’t want him around!”

 

“Some routine checks.” Sasha sighed and shifted on her feet. “ _And,_ he wants to see if he can reconcile with his former hubby-for-life.”

 

“Hubby-for-life?” Mikasa raised an eyebrow questioningly.

 

“Well then it isn’t a very long life then, is it?” Krista tilted forward, elbows sliding outward on the table as her hands supported her head.

 

There was a pause before Sasha continued, a tad more troubled than before.

 

“He’s riding up to the garden now, so I suggest someone go get Levi.” She tightened her ponytail by separating the hair into two parts and tugging them in opposite directions. “Do you think I look okay?” She asked Connie worriedly.

 

He shrugged nonchalantly and replied, “Why do you care?”

 

“Levi’s kind, I think, because he sneaks me food sometimes and…” Sasha was standing up straight for once, but she was staring intensely at the scuffed floorboards. “I don’t want Erwin to think that he’s not taking care of us, is all.”

 

“You think about stuff other than food?” Eren laughed, and she winced visibly for a moment before giggling half-heartedly.

 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Her lips curved upward briefly and the corners of her eyes crinkled ever so slightly. “You better get going.

 

“I’ll get Lance Corporal.” Eren said quickly, leaving the table in quick strides.

“I’ll go meet Erwin with you.” Mikasa rose. “To make sure you don’t mess up.”

 

“Thanks.” Sasha looked at her gratefully before disappearing outside.

 

One by one, everyone dispersed, leaving Armin behind to wash up the dishes. He would have liked to get the Lance Corporal, if only to quash his doubts about the man’s health. Maybe… maybe if he stared long enough, things wouldn’t seem as real anymore. If he focused on Levi and squinted really hard at him, maybe the gaunt look in his dark eyes wouldn’t be quite so literal. If he just tried harder, as hard as Eren or Mikasa, if he just _tried_ to be useful, perhaps the paling of Levi’s skin would become less noticeable, and the dark purple bruises rimmed with a sickly yellow wouldn’t cling to the Lance Corporal’s frame like a dark aura forcing its way through his skin from the inside out. Perhaps.

 

 

 

Levi’s door was ajar, so when Eren knocked, it inched forward. He put his hand on the wood and gently pushed it open.

 

“Lance Corporal?” He edged, peering around the room. It was tidy and orderly as ever, books stacked according to size and author’s name, pens arranged by colour and the chair neatly tucked in under the table. The bed, however, was a stark contrast with the rumpled sheets thrown across the mattress, half-covering the twisted pillow that hung precariously over the edge.

 

Levi was half visible, the door to the bathroom blocking Eren’s view. The older man kneeled at the toilet, gasping for air with broken lungs. The sound was so sad and desperate that Eren wanted to scream, to grab Levi and hold him until the sun burned out, but he stayed where he was.

 

Levi’s eyes were closed, but at the sound of Eren approaching, they slid open with calculated movement, as if he was considering the least tiring option for everything that he did. The dark irises of his eyes crept to look at him, resembling wet glistening roads in the rain, and he started to turn his head for a better look. Eren saw the pain flare in Levi’s face right away, and the soldier turned sharply back to the toilet, clutching the sides of the seat with such force that his knuckles had gone white.

 

“Lance Corporal.” Eren tried again.

 

There was no reply. Levi gagged for a moment, tears pricking the corners of his eyes, but he managed to stop himself by clenching his jaw like an iron clamp. His breathing was strained, shallow and slow, as though he thought that if he inhaled too deep, it might aggravate his stomach.

 

“Commander Erwin is here.” Eren said softly.

 

There was a moment of quiet before Levi said shakily, “Let him come.”

 

“What?” Eren was confused. “Sir, with all due respect, you are in no state to talk to him. Please, just go to bed and we’ll sort it out.”

 

            “I said,” Levi ground out. “Let him come. I’ll be done in here in a minute or two.”

 

            “You’re not feeling well.” Eren argued weakly, and Levi turned to glare at him.

 

“When I am sick, the queasiness will subside. It may return later, but I’ll be safe for around ten minutes, if my guess is correct.” Levi repositioned his stance. “I… I hate being sick.” He murmured.

 

“I know.” Eren knelt down next to him and rubbed his back reassuringly.

 

“Go.”

 

The boy got up slowly and left, closing the door halfway so that he could still see Levi through the crack. Eren sat on the bed waiting, indifferent to the retching from the bathroom.

 

When the noises ceased, Eren asked tiredly, “Are you ready?”

 

Levi walked out of the bathroom unsteadily, swaying as if he might topple over. He leaned against the wall for support.

 

“Get me a change of shirt from my drawer.” He reached out to a table and managed to swipe his cravat off it without falling over. “I’m afraid that he’ll smell the sickness on me.”

 

            “Are you sure about this?” Eren probed, though he knew that Levi wouldn’t appreciate the question.

 

“Just get me the damn shirt.” Levi spat, fumbling with his buttons hastily.

 

            “I’ll do that for you.” Eren walked over and put his hands over Levi’s gently.

 

The warmth throbbing in his cheeks increased tenfold and the heat in the palms of his hands transferred to Levi’s abnormally cold fingers. There was a pause, a moment when they were only aware of the feeling, the smooth slide of skin against skin, a sensation with more depth and weight than feathers, but somehow just as soft.

 

“Fine.” Levi said suddenly, snatching his hands away from Eren’s.

 

Eren gave a slight nod and undid the buttons as precisely as he could, working his way down the shirt. Finally when he had finished his work, he took both sides of the collar and pulled gently to expose more of Levi’s collarbone. The angular juts and curves were beautiful, and as Levi stretched his shoulders, the flesh on it moved, straining upwards with the motion. It was fascinating to see that Levi was soft, that his skin could be hurt just as easily as any other person. He was not, in fact, carved of stone. If he were to fall, he would not crumble. There would be no avalanche. His flesh, just like anyone else’s would tear and crimson would come gushing out. It all seemed so different… a different kind of destruction.

 

“What are you staring at?” Levi said, and Eren swallowed hard.

 

“Nothing, sir.” Eren didn’t move a muscle. He wasn’t doing what he was supposed to, his hands were just resting on Levi’s shoulders, and yet, the Lance Corporal did nothing to stop him.

 

“What are you thinking? That’s an order.” Levi said coolly.

 

“But you won’t know if I’m lying.”

 

Levi raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth twitched, as if he was trying to keep himself from smiling. He was not amused in a funny way, but rather in a pitying manner.

 

“I will.”

 

“I don’t know how to explain what I was thinking before.” Eren was aware that it sounded like a shoddy excuse, but he was telling the truth. “Although I remember now that I wanted… I wanted to… do I have to do this?”

 

“Yes.” Levi stepped closer so that they were just touching. Eren could feel him every time he breathed.

 

“I wanted to touch you.” Eren blurted. He paused for a moment before adding, “Sir.”

 

Levi broke into peals of laughter then. Eren was shocked. He hadn’t given much thought to how Lance Corporal’s laugh would sound, mainly because he didn’t think that it was physically possible for the man to display such genuine happiness, but this just sounded wrong to him. It was high as a handbell, flecked with silver and shaking with mirth. It was too real for Eren, like a level of sharp focus that his mind wasn’t ready for. Maybe this was how the mortals in Armin’s book felt when they burned up upon seeing a god’s true form – it was a kind of beauty that destroyed them because they couldn’t handle something so pure and divine.

 

“Touch me all you want.” Levi leaned in and whispered into Eren’s ear, his breath moist and warm.

 

“But you were sick just five minutes ago! I couldn’t possibly expect you to - ”

“If you’re worried, I brushed my teeth extensively. I’m not filthy like the rest of you shits.” Eren opened his mouth to protest at that, but Levi continued. “I know for a fact that you didn’t brush your teeth after you were sick the other day.”

 

“Ah. That.” Eren hung his head a bit, probably for show rather than portraying real guilt. “I have brushed my teeth since then you know.”

 

“The point is that you waited quite some time before you did.” Levi rolled his eyes. “If you’re going to kiss me, you’d better hurry up.”

 

“How do we go about doing this then? I mean do I, um, where am I supposed to put my hands? Like, how much can I do before you hit me? Can I – mmph!”

 

Levi heard the front door open and close, followed by voices, so he made the decision that if he was going to keep to his word with Eren, they’d have to hurry. He grabbed him at the back of the head and jerked downwards, elevating himself on his toes slightly just to get deeper into the kiss.

 

It felt as if a small fire was burning through Eren’s body. With the gentle grace unbefitting of a man who had gone through hell, Levi took Eren’s hand and placed it on his hip, and invited him to squeeze the supple flesh through the layers of fabric. But it wasn’t enough. Not enough of their flesh was in contact, not even how Levi’s hand had snaked around him and rested on his upper back, not the heat of their mouths desperately opening and changing and swirling fluidly, trying to find the right combination to continue the spark, the high-pitched buzz in their heads and the pooling of warmth in their guts as if they had drunk whole bottles of vodka, none of it could slake Eren’s increasing thirst for Levi.

 

Eren’s hands trailed up underneath the thin curtain of cloth hanging from Levi’s frame, the shirt that he had forgotten to take off properly. The warmth of Levi’s sides, the faint contours of his ribs, the way his flesh pressed up against Eren’s hands each time the older man inhaled, it was all too much, but not enough at the same time. Slowly but surely, he was pushed back to the bed.

 

A trickle of laughter left Levi’s lips even as they parted and shifted. Mostly the sound was heard from his throat; the rest was swallowed up into Eren as their tongues danced wildly, slipping and sliding around with an immeasurable amount of greed. There were moments when their teeth clicked awkwardly, most of which were on Eren’s part to be honest, or when a canine caught soft flesh, but Levi didn’t let up at any time. Neither did Eren.

 

Levi finally fell back onto the bed and Eren still advanced, pushing forward and encouraging him to take it one step further. Levi wrapped his legs around Eren’s waist, and he was dimly aware of the tense power that rested in the lean muscle of Levi’s legs. They were both completely vulnerable to each other.

Levi pulled away from Eren languidly before tugging him closer still by tightening his legs around the boy’s mid-torso. Eren fell over him, but his hands shot out as a reflex so he pinned Levi beneath him.

 

Levi was pressed up against Eren, his face flushed with want, but the kid seemed indifferent to this. Eren more or less seemed to only be concerned with his own heat. Levi couldn’t exactly blame him. It wasn’t likely that Eren had ever done anything like this before, and he was probably overwhelmed with the sensations. He knew that Eren was hard, that much had been blatantly obvious right after the moment they locked lips. There was no time for this, and although Levi would have wanted to see Eren’s cock in action, he also enjoyed making him sweat and beg.

 

“Uhn, Fuu-uck,” Levi moaned into Eren’s ear, breaking up the word in a torn gasp.

 

            Whatever the corporal was trying to do, it worked, because Eren almost came in his pants at that. He was about to continue kissing him when it seemed like Levi was going to take the initiative, lifting his head from the mattress so that their lips were almost touching.

 

            That was when he bit him. It was no sensual nibble either. It was just like Levi, harsh and unfair and aggressive. It was pinching at first, and then piercing as it broke the skin.

 

“What was that for?” Eren tore away from him immediately, forcing Levi’s legs apart to let him go. His lip stung terribly, throbbing with a combination of dull and sharp pains, if that made any sense.

 

            “You didn’t take off my shirt properly.” Levi let a small smile play on his lips and Eren hated it with all his heart. "Plus, I don't fuck kids."

 

            “So you'd send us to our deaths, but you won't fuck us?.” He asked feebly, although he knew that Levi wouldn’t care.

 

            “It's a personal policy. You might want me, Eren, but don't think that it works both ways.”

 

He did have a point there, and it wasn’t the actual feeling of being bitten that hurt so bad anyway. It was that they were so close, and they were at the most intimate they had ever been, but Levi had to ruin it with his violence and this-is-the-real-world bullshit.

 

“Levi?” Erwin asked from outside. In all the commotion they hadn’t heard him coming down the hall, and Eren wasn’t even sure if this was the first time he had called Levi’s name.

 

“That’s my cue, Jaeger.” Levi staggered to his feet, snatching a cloak off the back of a chair and wrapping himself in it.

 

“Sir, aren’t you going to put on proper clothes?” Eren questioned.

 

“No. Erwin doesn’t give a fuck what I do anymore.” Levi strode over to the door, his balance getting better with every step as he adjusted to the sudden change from lying down to standing up.

 

“Then what was the point of all that?”

 

“I like trying sometimes. Then I give up.” Levi glanced at him askance. “Don’t you ever do that?”

 

“I never give up.” Eren said pigheadedly.

 

“I’m not sure if that’s any better.” Levi stared at the ground. He looked back up at Eren. “I’m not even sure if you’re any better than me.”

 

This was shocking because that was the way Levi acted: standoffish, far away and out of his league. But the man standing in front of him looked so small and sad and bruised, wrapped in a forest green cloak too big for him and carrying the expression of a whipped child. The man standing in fornt of him was not Levi, not beautiful and flawless Levi, not strong and powerful Levi, not the one who slayed titans and survived countless expedition, not humanity’s strongest, not the one he looked up to and followed recklessly. This man was the weakness of humanity – he was really just as trapped and beaten as the walls had made him, as the walls had made all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> W-wow, thanks for all the support guys!~ There haven't been a lot of hits but this certainly trumps the amount of kudos that I have on some of my other works <3 You guys deserve a cookie and a medal for putting up with me and my terrible writing - I can't even stand it myself, so I don't know how you can. Kudos to you guys!


	4. Persuasion

“What are you wearing?” Erwin asked confusedly. It was a flash of the easy way he used to be with Levi, a comfortable reflex that he had just slipped back into. Seeing his face open and strong as it always was drove a knife deep to Levi’s heart. He knew just how well Erwin guarded himself. No matter how honest those eyes were – he didn’t know them. Not really.

 

“I was getting changed.” Levi answered blankly, clutching at the cloak draped around him. He shivered slightly, although it wasn’t cold.

 

Erwin nodded sharply, his movements professional and calculative.

 

“I could leave you a bit longer to get some proper clothes on.” He suggested.

 

“No.” Levi glanced back at the room. “That will not be necessary.”

 

Erwin watched him for a moment longer. Perhaps he was taking him in again, drinking in the sight of his love. Or maybe he was just gauging Levi’s reaction to his every move, like a hawk scrutinizing its prey. He sighed deeply and turned on his heel, gesturing for Levi to follow him.

 

Despite his reeling head and bitterness, Levi obeyed easily. Erwin was the master and he was the dog to come at beck and call, to fight and perform tricks, and to die at its owner’s feet.

 

Erwin opened the door to the lounge and invited Levi to go in first. He obliged, taking a seat on the couch. It wasn’t even that soft, just stiff verging on being commodious. He gripped the green fabric swathed around his shoulders a little bit tighter.

 

“So,” Erwin sat down and leaned forward, his forearms resting against his legs. “How has it been?”

 

“The kids have been easy to control. You have weekly reports from me.” Levi looked up at the sound of clinking porcelain to see Sasha enter, carrying a tea tray shakily. “Ah, at least someone’s being useful here. Thank you, Sasha.”

 

“Excuse me.” She said as she placed the metal tray onto the table with care. “Would you like me to serve you?”

 

“That’s okay.” Levi squeezed her arm, reassuring in his eyes. It kind of hurt him to see that she was taken aback by this kindness. Still, he was the one who made the stoic persona for himself. Was there anyone who could recall a time when he wasn’t this way?

 

“Well, we’ve had reports coming in with more information.” Erwin took the teapot and poured two cups, one for him and one for Levi. “Bertholdt Fubar and Reiner Braun are in the Shiganshina District.”

 

“What?” Levi glanced around him to make sure Eren wasn’t around to hear. The kid always lost his shit at the mention of them.

 

“Yes. We spotted them on the wall.” Erwin reached out to take Levi’s hand but he jerked them away. “Levi, don’t be difficult.”

 

“Just… just tell me what you need me to do.”

 

“We have no choice. We’re going to be heading out to stop them. It was risky enough the last time so we might be in trouble. However,” Erwin’s gaze was a piercing sapphire. “This is the tipping point. The serum that Hanji gave to you in an attempt to recreate… that. Is it working?”

 

“I haven’t tried. You might need to call them in to train me with it.” Levi’s eyes burned with unshed tears.

 

“Yes, I’ll call them in tomorrow.” Erwin leaned back, slightly more at ease. “Any side effects?”

 

“Some dizziness a few days ago.” The words were thick on Levi’s tongue. He wondered if Erwin noticed how meek his voice was.

“That’s it? I’m surprised. I need to congratulate Hanji on their expertise.” Erwin looked relieved, as if a great weight was lifted from his shoulders.

 

“Erwin, I find this strange.” Levi wrung his hands nervously. His heart was jackhammering against his ribs. “There is no way that the Survey Corps would willingly risk their greatest asset.” He looked Erwin dead in the eyes, a flash bang of courage and dread going off in his gut. “I wasn’t the first, was I?”

 

“All I can say to you is that Hanji, well, they might not be as upbeat as usual. They might also have some outbursts, if what we’ve been seeing recently is going to continue.” Erwin was measuring his words, weighing the amount of information he was giving to Levi. God fucking damn it.

 

“I thought so. Who else did they try it on?”

 

“First they tested it on bodies. It seemed okay to go onto animals, but as we both know, that would be very different from our physiology and anatomy. We did studying first, Levi. We only went on to people when we were ready enough and that was the only way we could move on.”

 

“Live people?”

 

“Yes. They were confused and untrained, so we killed the titans immediately. If there were any. Some of the results… well, they were damaging to say the least.” Erwin took a sip of his tea.

 

“You fucking bastard.” Levi gritted his teeth. “You would really do anything, wouldn’t you? Didn’t you keep any of them alive long enough to check long-term effects?”

 

“The king cut the project halfway. There was no way we could have been keeping something that big secret for long anyway.” Erwin stirred some sugar into his cup.

 

 “Now that we’ve covered this, what is the plan?”

 

“We’re sending you in to get them. You’ll be doubling in with Eren.” Erwin contemplated a biscuit. “We’re working on the best attack strategy right now. In fact, we’re thinking of moving the serum onto Mikasa as well. We have some left over from the second finished batch.”

 

 “No.” Levi blurted, overwhelming fear in his eyes. “Please, God, no.”

 

“Why not?” Erwin regarded him curiously. “You said yourself that it was fine. In that case, the pros far outweigh the cons. With science like this we could wipe out the titans.”

 

“I…” Levi couldn’t think of an excuse that didn’t involve him divulging the secret he ended his very engagement to protect. “Just trust me here Erwin. Go out on a leg.”

 

 “And lose another limb to a titan?” Erwin laughed heartily. “I’m sorry Levi, but we have to. I can’t follow you on a hunch. If you have a valid reason to support your request, then you’d better tell me now.”

 

 “Compartmentalization.” Levi said, and Erwin chuckled again.

 

“Now you’re just being cute.” The Commander gave him a thin smile. “I apologise, but that’s not enough for me. I am the one in charge, after all. If there is going to be any of that, it’ll be under my orders.”

 

Levi should have known. In Erwin’s perspective, there were just about no bad points to giving Mikasa the same treatments as him. Why would he listen to the gibberish of an old flame?

 

“Hanji’s not in a good state, right? You said so yourself. If they freak during procedure, it could end in disaster. It’s a delicate operation, as far as they told me. Even if the smallest thing went wrong the subject could die. Mikasa is very powerful and we can’t afford to lose her, so I can’t say that this is a good move right now.” Levi spun the lies as precisely as he could, keeping his tone detached and passive to his words.

           

 “That is true. However, we are up against the Colossal, Armoured and Dancing Titans. With only two on our side, we might be outmatched.” Erwin was running the odds through his head. It was clear from the way that his stare passed right through Levi despite those azure eyes being trained on him.

 

“ _Might_ be. And that’s not worth risking the life of one of our strongest.” Levi took his teacup awkwardly and took a gulp. It had already started to go cold.

 

“Hm.” Erwin put his own cup down onto the table. “Go on.”

 

“Eren’s ability to call for the other titans could be of help. I know that he has not mastered it yet, but the same could be said if you took Mikasa from recovery too soon. She would be inexperienced as well as vulnerable.” Levi folded his arms across his chest. “If the brat manages to succeed, we will be at an advantage. The wall there still has a giant hole and if he yells for some titans, maybe at the very least a few of those assholes might come blundering through to help us. Plus, we’ve got soldiers to fight with. It might not be an uneven fight in the way you’d think, right?”

 

 “That’s true. We could easily overwhelm them in that situation. But if things do not go as planned? If one of you fails to shift or gets incapacitated, what would we do from there? Imagine if Eren is taken out of the picture. What happens then?” Erwin was drumming out a rhythm on the table idly. It was annoying having to sit there and listen to the _tap, tap, tap_ of his index finger against the wood, but Levi calmed himself sufficiently.

 

“You are no man to argue about risk.” Levi bit out. “What about the whole deal with the Female Titan? How many people died or got injured? How many more could have been wiped out with them? You certainly put a lot of people in harm’s way that day.”

 

“This is bigger than that, Levi. We can’t take chances. We have the opportunity to catch the big three alive. You can’t say you don’t want that too.” Levi didn’t meet his gaze. “They hold the secrets. Odds are that they know about that talking beast, and all the other plans by the titans. We still have so much more to learn. It’s all very mysterious, Levi.”

 

“That is extremely relevant.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

 “But it’s also a steaming pile of bullshit.”

 

 Erwin appeared to be chagrined. Levi wasn’t surprised. The old man usually got a sour face or some form of constipated look every time he objected to something or “acted up”.

 

   “How?” He dragged out the question, suspended in disbelief that Levi would be so cocky.

 

 “Well, your gambles are greater than mine. Yes, Mikasa could give us a huge amount of extra firepower. But we could also lose that for good if you manage to get her killed.” Levi pointed out.

 

 “You’re still alive, and your skill definitely surpasses hers. Don’t you think we could have lost a lot more than that?” Erwin said.

 

“That was before Hanji became unstable. They were a lot more in control then, and on top of that, the replication of the serum given to me might have a different composition. It could have been contaminated or turned out wrong, and we can’t perform experiments to test the batch because as you said, we were ordered to stop and all our equipment was taken away.” Levi remained unruffled. Or at least, in appearance.

 

“Huh. I guess you do make sense sometimes, when you want to.” Erwin smiled a little. “I’ll stay here overnight then, and we can continue this discussion tomorrow.”

 

“Does that mean this conversation is over?” Levi couldn’t bear to sit there across from Erwin having, fuck, _tea_ with the man he broke his heart on. It was like he was made of layer upon layer of glass and somebody had decided to drop a boulder through them. Erwin was smashing through all his delicate, intimate walls, all the levels built up inside him to protect his emotions. It fucking hurt.

 

“No. We need to figure out what we should tell the kids in the morning, and also _how_ we should tell them. They only need to know so much.” Erwin shrugged.

 

“Y’know,” Levi’s eyes were gentle as they scanned him, as if there had been a famine in him, a hunger that ravaged his soul, but this was the aftermath. It was the soft acceptance of death, the acknowledgement that there would be no way out from the situation he had created. “You should have just been an editor for a newspaper or some shit. You’re great at twisting things around to help you.”

 

“Right.” Erwin nodded. A silence hung over them for a minute or two. “Why?”

 

The amount of hurt in the question got to Levi quick as a whip. He knew exactly what Erwin was talking about, despite the drastic topic change.

 

“I told you.” He choked out. “I already told you.”

 

“I don’t believe you.” Erwin stared him down, pinning him to the couch with his glare. “What you said wasn’t true and we both know that.”

 

Levi didn’t say anything. The tears were threatening to overflow and he had promised himself he would not cry, _he would not cry,_ not for Erwin, not for anyone. But here he was, choking on his own guilt and contempt.

 

Erwin got up and calmly pushed the table to one side. Levi was curious, but his eyes stung so bad with the peril of weakness that he didn’t dare move them to look at Erwin. Out of nowhere, strong arms wrapped around him, encasing him in the warm smell of worn leather and pine.

 

“Erwin.” He breathed, a glassy pearl rolling down his cheek. He hesitated for a moment, his face a myriad of hurt and anger and confusion, before flinging his arms around the Commander in return. It felt like something inside him broke upon the impact, somewhere in his resolve. He didn’t know whether it felt good. It was just the emotion of a timed freedom he didn’t deserve, like parole for a murderer. _I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. But I love him. I don’t want to go back,_ He thought. “Fuck you.” He said.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update was so short!~ Please give me some feedback (""• n •) I feel kind of in the dark here about what you guys think about this >


	5. Durability

That morning everyone was called out to stand in the kitchen in a line-up. It was much earlier than what they were used to. In fact, the sun had not yet risen and if not for the lamp Armin was carrying, they would have been standing around in pitch blackness.

 

It was only after ten minutes or so that Erwin emerged, immaculate and well groomed as ever. His eyes swept across the room, inspecting the soldiers. After a moment, he was satisfied and took a step back from the doorway to let Levi in.

 

The Lance Corporal was clutching his head and looking like death, thought didn’t seem out of place because some of his underlings were also complaining of sore heads and queasy stomachs for getting so little sleep. It still unsettled Eren for some inexplicable reason.

 

“Well, brats.” Levi leaned against the wall, his arms akimbo and his eyes aflame. He looked so bitter and angry, oh, so _vengeful,_ as if he blamed the world for his hurt.

 

“Levi. Be polite.” Erwin scolded him lightly before returning his attention to the Lance Corporal’s squad. “Today we are going to be giving you a debriefing so listen closely. This is extremely important.”

 

“Yes, Sir.” They chorused sleepily. Levi doubted if they were even registering any of this.

 

“We have found the remaining big three of titans, namely Bertholdt Fubar, Reiner Braun and Ymir.” Erwin continued, ignoring how Eren tensed up at the mention of their names. “Levi, would you like to say something?”

 

“I’ll be leaving for a few days for extra training.” That earned him a few incredulous looks. “Erwin can tell you the rest.” He didn’t want to be around while his secrets were revealed, but he wanted to monitor what Erwin was saying, in case the man got off track. It wasn’t like Erwin to diverge from the script he had already planned out, but still. Levi wasn’t willing to take any chances.

 

“We made a serum and medical procedure that allow us to help soldiers become titan-shifters. We were forced to abandon this medical breakthrough, so as of now we cannot use the second batch as it is untested.” Erwin didn’t even flinch under their accusing gazes. Levi wondered what they were thinking.

 

“Where’s the first batch?” Eren demanded, looking suspiciously around the room.

 

“In Levi.” Erwin announced, and the whole squad let out a collective gasp. “He’s doing fine, in case you’re wondering. No side effects. But we can’t perform the procedure on anyone else.”

 

            “How is he going to master it in time?” Armin whispered, his eyes wide with shock.

 

            “With control.” Levi said evenly.

 

            “How long before we move out?” Jean raised his hand feebly.

 

            “Less than a week. We’ve got a trace on them.” Erwin flicked through the stack of papers under his arm. “Ah, here.” He pulled out a page and read through it. “The plan is that today Levi will move out to train with Hanji. At most, he’ll get three days.”

 

            “Three days?” Eren interrupted. “That’s nowhere near enough time!”

 

            “Shush.” Levi groaned, running a hand through his hair. “I’m too tired to deal with you today.”

 

“It’s not.” Erwin agreed, frowning faintly. “But as I was saying, he’ll get three days. Following this we will move out, having already stationed the troops strategically at the entrance into Shiganshina. When Levi and the rest arrive, we move out.”

 

Eren’s hands were clenched in fists as he listened; yet he did not say anything. His eyes did all the talking for him. They burned and blazed with such hatred that even Levi was scared. He was scared for the boy, who always made rash decisions and vengeful choices. He was afraid that one day Eren would just blunder into his own goddamn grave if Mikasa wasn’t around to keep him in check.

 

“Jaeger, there’s an actual battle plan. If you even dare to mess up, to lose control, I’ll be on you in a heartbeat and it’s not going to be pretty.” Levi said, and Eren gulped nervously. Heh. He was scared of failing.

 

“Yes, as Levi said, we have planned out how we’re going to do this. The plan might change depending on Levi’s shifting abilities.” Erwin handed the sheet he was holding to Armin. “Here, why don’t you have a look at it?”

 

Armin paused as he looked over it. He nodded in thought. “I get it. So the soldiers will take them from the front and our titans will go in the sides. Ymir is a problem… Historia would be good bait to stop her but at the same time, we can’t afford to put her in that position. She’s very important. So, I’m being put in her dress again right?” He was shaking with fear, but he continued. “Eren will take on Ymir. He’s more likely to keep his head fighting her. And… Levi will attack Bertholdt to lure Reiner over. If he puts Bertholdt out of the equation, the only thing Reiner will fight for is to protect him. It wouldn’t be about him escaping anymore right? That’ll be easier then.”

 

“Yes, we noticed that he is very protective of Fubar.” Erwin handed out more sheets of paper. “These are all different briefings of the operation based on each of your skills. Some of them might be similar, but make sure you don’t switch them around. Armin is the one holding the overview copy, is that clear?”

 

“Sir, yes, sir!” They shouted in unison.

 

            “Okay, then.” Erwin walked over to Levi and pulled him close for a moment. “Come back alive.” He whispered.

 

            “I can’t promise you that.” Levi murmured back, his voice ragged with emotion. “You know I can’t.”

 

            “I’ll make that an order.” Erwin tightened his grip on Levi’s arm.

 

            “Erwin,” Levi pleaded. It hurt so _bad_ to keep going as if he was strong. It tore him apart, it destroyed his heart, and it wrecked his soul. “Erwin please don’t make me lie to you.”

 

            “I need you alive.” Erwin’s eyes were hard and icy as they stared him down.

 

            “Well, I’m not living now.” Levi felt fear rising in his gut. The kids could hear, they could hear him, they knew, oh god, they could hear him break. “I’m just surviving.”

 

            “Well, do a better job of it.” Erwin released him and strode out.

 

            Levi slumped against the wall, heaving a sigh. He felt numb. Why was he numb?

 

            “Lance Corporal,” Eren glanced up at him warily from his papers. “I’ll bring you home alive.”

 

            Levi nodded. He couldn’t do much else. He was drowning in his own fear and relief and sadness and the futility of what Eren was proposing to him.

 

            “Thanks Eren.” The words welled up in his throat like the tears in his eyes. “But don’t bother.” His own voice didn’t even sound like him anymore.

 

            “I…” Eren began, but he stopped himself. He didn’t seem to be able to think of a reply to that. He just looked back down at his own role in the plan.

 

            “It kind of reminds me of a play.” Historia commented, flipping a page over.

 

            “How?” Connie asked.

 

            “Well, they just look like empty roles to me.” Her eyes were dull and heavy as she answered. “When a play starts, we have a cast. They all play their part, and whether or not their characters fail at their goal; it’s all a part of the story. The majority of the time, it gets resolved. Sometimes it doesn’t. Most characters end up dead. Then again, the actors will end up that way too someday.”

 

            “Real fucking deep.” Levi muttered. “Listen up: this is real life. I don’t give a shit about any of your fancy plays or rich people stories. You can either take your fantasy bullshit elsewhere or you can toss it in the crapper where it belongs. I’m not playing house with any of you guys just because most of us are poor little lonely people with no family.”

 

            “That was beautiful, Lance Corporal.” Sasha laughed. “Real poetry right there.”

 

            “Yeah, where were your notecards?” Connie joked, pretending to wipe at his eyes.

 

            Levi shrugged. “Get the person who can remember it best to quote it in their eulogy for me.”

 

            “Hey Levi, about Erwin… don’t be so sad, LC.” Sasha chuckled, trying desperately to lighten the mood. Levi felt kind of sorry for her.

 

            “Yeah, cheer up!” Connie joined in with her in laughing it up. “You’ve made it so far. Plus, now you’re a super powerful titan dude! Admit it, that’s cool!”

 

            “I guess.” Levi looked away.

 

            “It’ll be pretty damn hard to take you down.” Jean added.

 

            “You’ll be invincible!” Eren looked excited. “The unstoppable Levi!”

 

            “As far as I know, nothing could go wrong.” Armin said. “I don’t see any reason why we wouldn’t be victorious. Your life wouldn’t be under much threat, Lance Corporal.”

 

            “Yeah, there’s no way String Beans McSweatface is going to be the one who takes me down.” Levi tried to keep a straight face, but he didn’t hold up for long. He giggled and snorted derisively, echoing it back to himself. “String Beans McSweatface. Heh. Gotta tell Hanji that one later.”

 

            “See?” Sasha beamed. “Laughter _is_ the best medicine.”

 

            “Yeah, let’s come up with more!” Connie slammed his hands on the table. “How about… Meathead Look-at-my-sick-guns Braun?”

 

            “Nah, not funny. It’s too long.” Eren started to argue, but he was surprised when Levi let out another round of barking laughter.

 

            “Oh, fuck, stop that, you’re gonna kill me.” His whole body was shaking with mirth. “Sick guns? Oh God.”

 

            “Hm.” Mikasa smiled a little. “Yeah.”

 

            “We can make it.” Sasha was grinning, but her words were firm and strong. “We can do this together.”

 

            Levi sat down at the table. His eyes were light like pale smoke, with a shine of happiness unfamiliar to Eren.

 

            “Fine, I’ll eat something before I head off. Someone get me a bowl of oatmeal or some shit.” Levi said.

 

            Armin and Sasha immediately got up and rushed to get him food. It had been a while since they had seen Levi eat, and even longer since he had eaten willingly.

 

            “I’ll boil the water.” Armin volunteered. “Sasha, you find the oats.”

 

            “Right.” She nodded, hope in her eyes. It had been so long since things were this light-hearted and happy that she had almost forgotten what it felt like.

 

            Levi rested his head on his arms and closed his eyes. He had around two hours before he and Hanji would set off. He had three days to train before he was put to the test. He had god knows how long to live.

 

And yet, he was perfectly fine with all of this. For the first time in months, he felt at ease. He knew this would only be temporary, that he wouldn’t feel this great forever, but he appreciated the bittersweet moments when they came. He did have a family – and they were right here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some kind of happiness? You guys should be happy I cut out one of the sadder bits from this chapter and skipped straight to snorty Levi (although be prepared because I saved that bit for later)


	6. Acquiescence

Levi got ready much earlier than he should have, leaving him fifteen minutes to stand around and wait for Hanji. He looked out the window for some brief respite. It was tiring, oh so tiring trying to keep his face upbeat. It didn’t have much to do with his expression, but more with his eyes. He had to keep them light, weightless more like, to continue the façade.

 

“Lance Corporal?” Eren asked tentatively.

 

“Hm?” Levi didn’t even bother to look away from the scenery just beyond the window.

 

“Why have you been sick lately?” Eren was nervous; Levi could see it in his posture.

 

“It was just a stomach bug. I’m better now. Since I haven’t been sick for around two days now, it’s probably passed. It was just a temporary side effect.” He tore his eyes away from the sky to look at Eren. “Why? Did it scare you?”

 

“It scared all of us, sir.” Eren met Levi’s eyes gingerly. “We thought… well, especially with the way you were acting, we thought you were really ill.”

 

“I’m fine now.” Levi averted his gaze to the front yard where Erwin sat on his horse waiting patiently. He was staring somewhere off into the distance, his eyes two pinpricks of icy water fixed on the horizon.

 

“Are you sure?” Eren fidgeted about, testing how many questions he could ask before Levi got angry.

 

The man shrugged, saying, “I’m quite sure. After all, it is _my_ body. I mean this with a whole truth: I’m perfectly okay.”

 

“You don’t seem okay.” Eren objected quietly.

 

“How? No fever, no bleeding, no - ” Levi started, but Eren interrupted him.

 

“You still look sad.” Eren took his superior’s hand carefully, as if handling an injured animal.

 

“Oh, stop right there. I’m not listening to this.” Levi turned his head away and tried to yank his hand from Eren’s grasp, but the kid held on tight.

 

“I don’t want you to be this unhappy in the field. You need to be prepared, not just physically but emotionally too.” Eren phrased his words tenderly. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

 

“I’m stronger than you’ll ever be, Jaeger. I don’t need your advice.” Levi refused to look at the boy. “Cocky brat.”

 

“I’m sorry sir, I’m just concerned for you.” Eren let go of Levi’s hands slowly. It was agonising to have to just sit there unable to do anything about the loss of the touch. Still, Levi wasn’t about to break character any time soon.

 

“Save your concern for the people that can’t take care of themselves.” He shot an angry look Armin’s way, and the blonde flinched visibly, fear flashing bright in his baby blue eyes. Fear of failure, Levi guessed.

 

Eren didn’t seem to notice because he just sighed and took a step back.

 

“Alright, Lance Corporal.” He followed Levi’s line of sight to where Erwin was. “If you have something better to do than talk to me, that’s fine. Don’t have to be so pissy about it.”

 

“I do, actually. It’s called thinking out a fucking plan, Jaeger.” Levi bit out as he whipped around. His eyes were steely as knives and twice as sharp, the slate grey focusing into the concentrated burn of a glare so hateful that Eren felt as if it was slicing through his flesh like butter.

 

“Give the kids a break.” Hanji said softly as they walked into the room. They looked dissipated, washed out, shattered to pieces. This wasn’t the Hanji Levi knew. He wondered where that Hanji had gone. “Come on, we need to get the horses ready.”

 

He nodded briskly and followed them out of the room and into the hallway.

 

“Hanji,” Levi touched their arm gently. “What happened to you?”

 

“Hm? Oh, I’m sorry, Levi.” Hanji said, snapping out of it. “Just… I’m just tired. It’s tiring, right?”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Levi walked ahead of them. “Maybe you should take a break.”

 

“Nah, I have to be working.” Hanji shrugged. “I’m needed here in the Survey Corps, so I’ll do my job.”

 

“Well, must be shitty for you then.” Levi opened the door for them.

 

“Yeah.” Hanji nodded in thanks and stepped through.

 

“So, are you just upset now because the experiments fucked you up?” Levi walked alongside them across the lawn.

 

“I…” Hanji looked terribly disturbed for a moment, a fear flickering in their eyes. “Yes, I guess so. They were truly disgusting to see, Levi.”

 

“It must be horrifying to know that you were the one who did that.” Levi shook his head. “I feel sorry for you, Hanji.”

 

“Oh, don’t be. I was really petrified when I was operating on you, though. I’m glad that it all worked out.” They smiled faintly.

 

“So am I. It was my life at stake.”

 

“And my conscience.”

 

“Hanji, I think we both know that was already damaged beyond repair by the time you performed the procedure on me.” Levi chuckled, but it was without mirth. “So? Would you be able to do it again?”

 

“It’s too risky. There’s a huge gamble with the second batch, but no more than the gamble with you. No, I wouldn’t be able to do it.” Hanji followed him around the back of the house to the stables. “I’m too scared, Levi. I almost messed it up the first time.”

 

“You can take the fat horse.” Levi shot his arm out to grab the door of the stable of his horse as if to stake his claim. “I’ll be taking the good one.”

 

Hanji leant forward and squinted at the sign on the back wall of the stable for their horse.

 

“Buttercup, huh? Seems cute. I wouldn’t call it fat, that’s for sure.” They opened the door and led the horse out.

 

“Well, she’s lazy.” Levi patted his horse’s flank gently. “Now, this here is a beast. Roll of Thunder.”

 

“Oh geez, your horses are named Buttercup and…” Hanji snorted uncontrollably. “And… Roll of Thunder? That’s just priceless.”

 

“Of course you would think that.” Levi led Thunder out of the stable. “No need for court plays anymore, if you want to humorously entertain the king just recite the names of Levi’s horses.”

 

“Yeah, do that, do that.” Hanji practically screamed with laughter.

 

“Let’s see, Buttercup, Roll of Thunder, Falcon Cry, Iron Wings, Honeysuckle, Titan’s Shit and Hanji’s Buttcrack.” Levi pretended to count it off on his fingers.  


“Okay, now I know the last two are fake but Honeysuckle? Falcon Cry? What is up with that?” Hanji cackled. “You think you’re so-o-o professional.”

 

“Well I know you’re not because we don’t name our horses, if you remember correctly.” Levi tsked at them.

 

“Explain the sign saying Buttercup then.”

 

“I honestly have no real explanation for that. Maybe one of my shithead underlings decided to name their horse, I don’t know. Seems like something they would do.” Levi finished adjusting the girth and led the horse out of the stable.

 

“It might be hard to believe what with all the hoo-ha and whatnot, but I managed to finish saddling up. And before you, I might add.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“Levi. You were standing there counting from your fingers.”

 

“Hanji. You were kneeling in horseshit laughing your head off.”

 

“Touché. I honestly don’t know who finished first, okay.” Hanji mounted their horse. “Hey Buttercup, enjoy your own shit being smeared back onto you, okay?”

 

“Oh my god, that’s so gross. It’s not even _that_ bad.” Levi vaulted onto his own horse.

 

“Okay then, come and rub your hands on my legs.” Hanji steered their horse closer to Levi, who bristled.

 

“Point taken, douchebag.”

 

“Don’t call me a douchebag, fucknut.”

 

“Asslicker.”

 

“Dickmuncher.”

 

“Titan Fetish Creepster.” Levi paused and smiled, softening for a moment. “It’s good to see you happy again, even if it does mean that you are at maximum insufferable.”

 

“You only pick up on that now? I guess I’m just happy that you’re alive and not dying horribly because of me or anything. And if you’re glad about it, I can’t be _that_ insufferable, right?” Hanji fiddled with the reins.

 

“Okay, Shitty Glasses. Come on, let’s not keep Erwin waiting any longer now.” With a swift kick to his horse’s side, he was cantering up to meet the Commander.

 

“Wait up!” Hanji called. It took them four or five kicks to get Buttercup moving, and at first it was only to buck and rear. Levi sat in his saddle laughing.

 

“Still like her?” He taunted.

 

“Fuck, ugh, you!” Hanji gave the horse an almighty booting and it immediately reared off wildly.

 

“Woah there, Hanji.” Levi chortled as he went hurtling after them.

 

Erwin just sighed exasperatedly and went after them. They had no need to stay close together anyway, but it was hard to keep them under control like this.

 

“Where are we going?” Levi yelled over the wind.

 

“Just an uninhabited area. The first one we find, anyway. It doesn’t exactly matter just as long as we are a hundred miles out from other people.” Hanji said.

 

“Nice. So I don’t kill anyone?”

 

“Anyone other than me, Erwin or Moblit.” Hanji confirmed. “We’ll kill you if we have to, you know.”

 

“No you won’t. I’m too valuable, especially with the serum.”

 

“Yeah, we won’t.” They agreed. “But we will subdue you or greatly injure you.”

 

“So kind of you.” Levi rolled his eyes. “As if people haven’t tried that before.”

 

“I agree, you would be incredibly, incredibly dangerous.” Hanji was barely audible. “That’s why we’re getting Eren and some of the kids in the help us.”

 

“And what if Eren freaks out too? Or he causes me to mess up by going wild and using the titan call to control me?” Levi asked suspiciously.

 

“As far as I know that doesn’t apply to shifters, but I have to say that we don’t know the full extent of what he is capable of.” Hanji admitted. “Erwin might be able to answer your questions better than me, I’m afraid.”

 

“I don’t want to talk to that shrivelled bastard.” Levi kept his eyes fixed dead ahead of him.

 

“Oh really? But you guys were engaged, I find it hard to imagine that you - ” Levi didn’t hear the rest because he urged his horse on into a wild gallop. He did manage to make out the sound of Hanji shrieking his name, but he ignored them.

 

“Levi, what is _wrong_ with you?” They demanded when they caught up. “You’re so goddamn touchy about Erwin! Stop being such a drama king and be diplomatic, _please.”_

“I was last night. I don’t have to be now.” Levi objected.

 

“Yes, you do.” Hanji corrected him forcefully. “We need this operation to be tight-knit. I mean, for god’s sake, why are you even angry with him? He didn’t do jack shit to you!”

 

“Hanji, I’m doing this… to protect the both of us, believe it or not. I can’t really say why, but for now, please trust my judgement.” He implored.

 

“I can’t trust people who can’t trust me.” Hanji didn’t say anything for a while after that, and Levi felt betrayed until they spoke up again. “But I’ll listen to you, Levi. It had better be a good reason.”

 

“And if it isn’t?” He wondered aloud.

 

“Then I still don’t have much of a say in this. Levi, if you’re thinking of going back to the I’m-only-here-because-I-have-to-be relationship you had with Erwin in the beginning, it’s not going to work. A seed is easier to remove than a tree.” Hanji said. “Or course it’s going to be messy, hurtful and cold of you. I can’t really explain it well but -”

 

“You’ve explained it well enough already, Professor Hanji.” Levi smirked.

 

“I sure hope so, Levi.” They smiled slightly.

 

“We need to hurry.” Levi said flatly, his demeanour changing.

 

“Yeah.” Hanji paused for a moment. “Levi, if you don’t want the kids to come with us, I could talk to Erwin.”

 

“Like he’d trust me that much.” Levi snorted.

 

“He trusted you enough to want to get married to you.” Hanji pointed out calmly.

 

“He wouldn’t have gone through with it. Not really.” His eyes were heavy with sadness, streaks of silver running through the grey like cracks in his soul.

 

“If you really want to be a martyr, then torture yourself with whatever lies you can concoct.” Hanji glared ahead. “However, I don’t want to hear your bullshit.”

 

“What is up with _you_?” Levi demanded.

 

Hanji laughed.

 

“Nothing much.” The smile on their mouth twisted downwards suddenly into a grim scowl. “I guess the experiments changed me, Levi. As much as they changed you.”

 

“Well, we’ll see about that.” Levi said. In his chat with Hanji they had both neglected to keep their speed up, and he noticed that Erwin was gaining on them.

 

“Is that a challenge?” Hanji retorted, a gleam of fire back in their eyes.

 

“I don’t care about competitions anymore.” Levi sighed. “I’ve spent too long denying to myself the fact that it doesn’t matter and it never mattered. We _never_ win anything. There is no prize, no victory, just disappointment and a surge of fear in the moment before you so-called ‘win’.”

 

“Don’t be such a bummer, Levi.” Hanji pressed, trying to cheer him up. “You’ve never had to deny anything. You _will_ win; _we_ will win against the titans. The Survey Corps will triumph yet, as Erwin so famously loves to say. The guy thinks he’s God.”

 

“You really just don’t want to have been put through hell in vain. You’re selfish.” Levi’s lips quirked upwards into a bittersweet smile as he spoke, fingering the worn leather reins with a sense of distraction. “But that brings me onto my next point, Hanji, thank you. You can never be lonely if you never had expectations.”

 

“That’s a lie, Levi. I can act as naïve as I want, it doesn’t matter that I’m not actually happy-go-lucky. It gives my team a boost. What kind of expectations did you have then, huh? What made you so fucking jaded and shitty?” Hanji implored with a tamed anger. It was strange and hard to describe the look on their face. The closest thing Levi could match it to was the dull outrage and resignation in a circus animal’s eyes. Hopeless, hurting, heated. It was a look that said, ‘what more can you do to hurt me?’

 

“I guess…” Levi saw Erwin out of the corner of his eye, green cloak billowing out behind him, blonde hair golden in the sunlight like a halo mistakenly placed on a demon. “I thought I could win.” And with that he spurred his horse on, drinking in the cold air that whipped his face instead of the alcohol that burned his throat. His eyes stung with tears, his hands throbbed, his heart sang a mournful hymn. But for what? There was no winning or losing, just surviving and dying. It didn’t hurt him anyway. Nothing hurt him anymore, not even false gods and even falser hopes. Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all the support you guys are showing!~~~ Keep up the good work in enduring me - remember, patience and tolerance is the key to surviving my terrible writing guys~ You all deserve warm hugs and cookies


	7. Victory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait, guys! >

Eren was leaning against Armin, inhaling the warm scent of milky soap that clung to the blonde’s alabaster complexion. He had heard of people describing those with that kind of skin as gorgeous statues, but he didn’t think entirely described Armin’s fluid beauty. If he had to make that comparison, he’d say that Armin was carved from the face of God, infused with starlight and mist. And that didn’t even begin to cover it.

 

“Eren?” He asked, snuggling up into him and pushing his head into Eren’s chest in an affectionate nuzzle. “Are you okay?”

 

“Mmph? Uh, yeah.” Eren snapped back into reality. “I’m fine. Don’t you think we should be getting ready to leave soon?”

 

Armin shrugged, turning over on his side.

 

“We haven’t gotten word from Erwin about where we’re going next but yes, we are supposed to be on standby to move out.” Armin chewed his lip thoughtfully.

 

It drove Eren over the edge, seeing him run his tongue over the pink flesh stained cherry red. It… it sparked a wildfire inside him, a blaze that he knew only Armin could put out. Yet he let the slight boy worm into his nooks and crannies without dispute, even as his heart felt scorched and his mind was parched, the saviour and quencher of thirst in his arms but still out of reach. Of course it wrecked him. It came as a surprise that it did not do worse.

 

“I was asking if we were ready.” Eren said tiredly.

 

“We are.” Armin said. “We’ve been ready for a day or two now. All we have to do is double-check that we’ve got everything.”

 

“It doesn’t count as a double check if you go over it eight times.” Eren pointed out, his laugh a low, rocky sound mixed into the words.

 

“I guess not.” Armin chuckled, clenching and unclenching his hand against Eren’s shirt. An idle movement, he guessed, an easy repetition. “How’s everything been going for you? Have you been holding up?”

 

“Armin, I could hold up the world. I’m stronger than that.” Eren bragged.

“Yeah, I’m sure you could.” Armin giggled, but there was neither sarcasm nor malice in it.

 

“How sure are you?” Eren teased, running a hand through the gold silk of Armin’s hair.

 

“You carry my world.” Armin closed his eyes softly, exhaling the words in a whisper.

 

“Thank you.” Eren said.

 

“For what?” Armin asked.

 

“For making me smile.” Eren replied. He reached out his hand to find Armin’s, and when they connected he felt a zing in his gut at the warmth. His fingers slipped into the gaps between Armin’s, the pieces to a puzzle piece finally connecting and solving all the mysteries in the world.

 

“I love to see you smile. It makes me happy that I made someone so special happy enough to show it.” Armin shifted to sit up, and Eren leaned down so that their lips connected with a giddy elation rising in them like bubbles.

 

When they broke apart, Armin looked astonished.

 

“What was that?” He asked, pressing two fingers to his bottom lip.

 

“I was giving my smile to you.” Eren grinned. “It’s kind of dorkish for me to say, but to be honest I don’t think we have any more time to waste.”

 

“What do you mean?” Armin chuckled nervously. “Do you… do you like me?”  


“No, Armin.” Eren sighed.

 

“Oh. I guess that’s just… It’s normal, don’t worry, I mean I expected that but I think you just… oh…” Armin’s eyes had fallen, little oceans of tears pooling in the two perfect circles of starlight. “Oh.”

 

“Armin, don’t cry.” Eren reached out and brushed a stray lock of gold away from his face. “I love you.”

 

“That was the most clichéd and pretentious thing I’ve seen since Jean Kirschtein.” Armin play punched him. “You could very well like me as well as love me, you know.”

 

“I guess so. But it’s like I’m swarming with the need for you. There’s no space for anything else but the curve of your neck and the wink in your eye and the shine in your smile, Armin. You’re everything.” Eren kissed his cheek tenderly.

 

“Is that so?” Armin smiled, blushing to his ears. “You’re a liar.”

“Would I lie to you?” Eren nuzzled him.

 

“But you have!” Armin objected.

 

“Ah, but this is different.” Eren said. “This time I promise.”

 

“You promised that we would see the outside world together.” Armin pointed out.

 

“Yeah, well, there’s still time for that. Neither of us is dead yet.” Eren shrugged.

 

“Knock on wood! I hope neither of us will be.” Armin snuggled into Eren. “Never ever. And that is a promise, okay?”

 

“Fine. But… don’t blame me if it turns out to be a lie, okay?” Eren said quietly, but Armin gave no reply. He probably couldn’t think of a response to that.

 

Neither could Eren.

 --------------------

 

Levi could see Erwin in the distance, sitting on his horse and preparing to survey the experiment. Hanji walked over to him, snapping the Lance Corporal out of his reverie.

 

“Levi, you ready?” They asked, and he nodded. “Good. I’ll have the chains ready with my team, just in case we need to subdue you. We also have a sedative ready, but it will take extreme precision to hit you. In the event that you have hardened skin on your neck, well, we’re probably fucked. Let’s get this started!”

 

“Sure. Do I just…?” He mimed cutting himself.

 

“Yeah, whatever does you. Try to concentrate. I’m not sure if you’re like Eren in that you need a specific goal or urge, but if your attempt doesn’t work, just follow his method.” Hanji jogged backwards to where Moblit stood. “Start with little cuts and advance into bigger ones if need be!” They called.

 

“Ugh, fuck this.” Levi muttered under his breath as he drew a small knife from his boot. He pressed it to his wrist, seeing the already existing scars. “What’s my objective? Get through this training? Survive Shitty Glasses and their disgusting jokes?”

 

“How about capture or kill the big three?” Hanji rolled their eyes.

 

“Whatever, same thing.” He pushed it against his skin, and a line of red bubbled up beneath the blade. It stung, but he forced it further into his flesh.

 

“Don’t end up killing yourself over there!” Hanji said worriedly.

 

“My objective, huh…” Levi murmured. “Follow orders, I guess.”

He shut his eyes, mind aching with the concentration. In the splotchy red that came whenever he closed his eyes in strong sunlight, there was a shudder, as if his mind was gearing into motion.

 

“It’s working!” He heard Hanji scream excitedly, but it was faint and out of focus.

 

His body was heating up and he could almost see the clouds of steam rolling off him in great waves as the explosion built up. He must have slipped out of consciousness for a moment, because when his eyes slid open again, he almost fell over for how high up he was.

 

“Can you hear me?” Hanji bellowed as loud as they could.

 

He let out a low roar, and a small swirl of steam curled out of his mouth.

 

“I’ll take that as a yes. Try to move your arm.” Hanji cupped their hands around their mouth and hollered. “Baby steps, Levi!”

 

His gaze slid to the huge hands in front of him. They were his, he guessed. He was only dimly aware of what was happening, like he was half awake and half submerged underwater. He flexed his fingers and relaxed his arm to let it hang by his side.

 

“Good boy!” Hanji was delighted. “Now, turn around.”

 

He obeyed slowly, swaying a bit as he got used to his new stature.

 

“Haha, be careful not to fall on us and crush your bestest ever friend, Levi.” Hanji quipped. “Okay, we’re going to pass you a stick and I want you to write something. It’s a sentience test.”

 

Hanji stepped over, hauling a giant log. A whole tree trunk, more like. He knelt down and took it gently. Hanji beamed and turned to run back to their position. Levi couldn’t really focus, and he was struggling just to keep control. A… word. He jammed the stick into the earth and it sunk in with ease. That was probably his newfound strength rather than the softness of the ground.

 

“E-P… oh no, that’s an R. Good job, Levi, keep going!” Hanji squinted at the misshapen letters. “E-R-W-I-N. Erwin. Great!”

 

Levi let go of the stick and let it fall with a loud thump. He stared blankly at Hanji, as if awaiting more orders.

 

“Hm. Levi, we’ve got some titans in this wagon. See if you can call them, okay? If they come to you, I need you to kill them in any way you can.” Hanji’s stare darkened. “Moblit, bring them over and then get into position in case things turn sour.”

 

“Yes, Squad Leader.” He squeaked, running over to the carts.

“You’re so lucky we managed to get you some friends, Levi!” Hanji shouted. “Their names are Hannibal and Crunchy, so be nice to them.”

 

Levi let out a low groan and they laughed, throwing their head back with the motion.

 

“Thank you Moblit.” They turned to the poor man who was straining to push the two titans over with the help of the rest of Hanji’s squad.

 

“You’re... welcome… Squad Leader.” He huffed and puffed, collapsing onto the grass.

 

“So, Levi, I want you to scream for these friends of yours to come over.” Hanji stepped back.

 

He inhaled sharply and clenched his hands into fists. He could feel muscle and sinew wet and rubbery against his fingers, and wondered if his action had carried through to his larger form. The air rushed into his lungs – which lungs he did not know. It felt like both and it felt like neither. Still silence hung in the air in the moment before he screamed, a guttural keening sound of a dying animal.

 

“That’s wonderful, Levi!” Hanji shrieked above the noise.

 

For a moment, it didn’t seem to have worked. Hannibal and Crunchy stared up at him with blank, dull expressions, blinking once or twice. He didn’t feel disappointed about it though. It was hard to feel anything like this. Then all of a sudden, they both let out low mournful wails, shaking their chains tiredly. When Moblit strayed nearer to try and record their behaviour, they snapped at him wildly and he fell backwards.

 

“I guess that counts. Mildly?” Hanji tapped their lip absentmindedly. “Let them go and then get back. We need to see what Levi can do – and who he’ll go for.”

 

“Squad leader?” Moblit looked terrified out of his wits. “This is too dangerous, don’t you think?”

 

“Let them go and then get back.” Hanji repeated sternly, and he scurried off.

 

There was the leaden noise of metal clanging, and they were free, running over to Levi in some sort of anger. He wondered why. What had he asked them to do? He thought that it was probably something to stir them up. He couldn’t really remember.

 

“Careful, Levi, Hannibal’s an aberrant!” Hanji bawled from where they sat on their horse, poised for action.

 

Hannibal chose that moment to propel himself from where he had been crawling on the ground with his chest pressed against the grass and amazingly enough, Levi snapped out of it. His senses went into alert focus, his mind into high definition. His eyes zeroed in on the incoming titan and he felt it in his bones, the sensation of what he had ben doing for years. Instinctively, he jumped into the air. He had merely pushed himself off the ground with a lazy ease, but he had shot up to astonishing heights. He felt like he could almost touch the sky.

 

“Ah, I see, the foot and leg structure adds increased ability to jump.” Hanji beamed. “Take this down, Moblit.”

 

“Yes, Squad Leader.” He heaved a sigh and obeyed.

 

Levi couldn’t find his sword. Where was his sword? Something was pushing at his skin from the inside, like something was living inside his arms. It broke free after less than two seconds of that strange sensation, slicing through his skin effortlessly. He thought he was holding his sword now. He could feel it brushing against his arms. He could kind of hear Hanji shrieking almost continuously, but it was so far away that he could have written it off as the sound of the wind whistling or something that he had imagined.

 

He was just Levi – a member of the Survey Corps and Humanity’s Strongest. This was what he did. This was what he had always done. He shifted his body, his waist starting to pivot as his shoulders tilted to follow up in the motion. He manoeuvred his arms, moving the blades in minute adjustments so as to cut through the flesh of Hannibal’s neck as precisely as he could. And a few moments after the turn began, it was over. The sharpness had sunk in through the meat so easily and deep that it was like cutting through butter that had been sitting out on the counter. He landed with a practised grace for an unfamiliar body, turning to look at Hanji.

 

“That was amazing, Levi!” They exclaimed, an expression of pure glee settling on their features. “Now, try to _capture_ Crunchy.”

 

He glanced down at the misshapen humanoid that was loping towards him with a firm malice. That wouldn’t be a problem. He bent into a sprinting position, pushing off on his right foot and shooting off with pronounced speed. When he neared the titan, he dropped to bend one knee as he swept out one leg to knock it over. As it fell, he darted out to slash at its legs. Not surprisingly, he was successful in this endeavour. It hit the ground with a cry of dismay, twisting and writhing where it lay.

 

“This is brilliant!” Hanji squealed. “Okay, get it together Hanji, breathe… Yes.” They seemed to regain a little composure. “Levi, I need you to shift back now. Can you do that for me?”

 

He nodded and made some awkward motions for them to get back. He closed his eyes in concentration and yet again, he slipped out of the waking world. The titan fell the ground with an almighty crash. Steam hissed and exploded from the carcass as Levi sat up from a wound in the neck, covered in blood and tied to the corpse by muscle coiling up his arms.

 

Hanji immediately dismounted and ran over to cut him out while Erwin cantered over to observe the results of the test.

 

“He’s alright, Erwin…” Hanji trembled as they clung to the limp body of the Lance Corporal. “Thank God he’s alright.”

 

“Yes.” Erwin stared down upon at the carnage. “Thank God.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, and the wait was all for nothing because my writing's just as shitty as it was when we began


	8. Foreboding

 

Levi was exhausted. Over the past two days he had had to endure Hanji’s incessant whining and fatigue-inducing tests, which usually ended in flame and tears. To make matters worse, Erwin had tried to make stilted conversation with him at first. When that failed and Levi returned his efforts with some less than savoury comments, Erwin started to give him the same cold shoulder he had given to people that he used to make idle death threats on whilst talking to Levi in bed.

 

That wasn’t very settling, but it was indeed humbling. They had never been this mutually distant, not even when they had just met. It felt like Levi had been living a blurred dream this whole time, but one morning someone had decided to throw a bucket of ice water onto him and shout, ‘Come on, fun time’s over! Welcome to the real world. The truth is: no one likes you!’

 

Not that he hadn’t previously known that, but it was much more damnable to be facing personally. It was one thing to have guarded cruelty, and another to be openly disgusted. He had seen disheartening things before. He spent most of his life staring death down and sliding a sword between its eyes. But somehow… none of that mattered now. This time it was Erwin holding the blade and Levi holding his gaze.

 

A sharp series of raps resounded, and he looked up from his paperwork. He’d zoned out again. There was no way he would be able to get this done in time if things continued this way.

 

“Come in.” He sighed, pressing a hand to his forehead. It was slightly warm, but hard to tell if he had a fever. It didn’t really matter anyway.

 

“Hanji has more sheets for you to fill in.” Erwin said. Levi didn’t even have to turn around to know it was him – he’d recognise that voice anywhere. “They’re all on how you’re feeling, eating habits, health, etcetera. It’s just a log to see if you need any check-ups.”

 

“How gracious of you. Put them down on the table.” Levi rubbed his eyes. They were starting to sting whenever he closed them.

 

There was a short silence. Erwin stayed where he was, arm slightly outstretched to brandish the medical journal. Levi sighed. Fucking arrogant prick. He got up, and as soon as he did so his head started to hurt again. It felt like someone had taken a gun and shot him through the right temple.

“Thanks for the effort.” Levi bit out, teeth ground together for the better part of the sentence. He snatched the small book out from the Commander’s grasp.

 

“You’re welcome.” Erwin glossed over him smoothly, taking a step back.

 

There was another pause.

 

“Are you planning on leaving anytime soon?” Levi’s voice wavered with contempt.

 

“I was going to go just as you said that.” Erwin’s face was pulled into a taut scowl. “Please remember not to speak to your superiors that way.”

 

Levi smiled, his eyes dark. “I might as well have thrown shit at you, you look so offended. Why? Am I that insufferable to be around?”

 

“Sometimes, yes, like now. Hopefully you’ll simmer down soon.” Erwin gave him one last look before he left the room. “I’m rather disappointed in you Levi. Truly.”

 

“Yeah, we all are, aren’t we?” Levi bawled after him. He waited a beat before collapsing back into his chair. God, his head hurt. And from here on in, things could only get worse.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Eren grabbed Armin’s hand one last time.

 

“Don’t go doing something silly, okay?” Armin pleaded, his eyes shining with tears.

 

“I won’t, I promise I won’t.” Eren put their foreheads together.

 

“Hurry up, Jaeger.” Dara stood at the door with a grim expression. He was just some random soldier that no one cared about – chances were he’d be dead by the end of the week. Eren didn’t want to think about that right then. “We don’t have forever.”

 

“Just… just another minute.” He could feel the emptiness coming on, a twisted pain in his heart.

 

“We don’t have another minute.” Dara’s chocolate brown eyes slid to the door. “You’re not saying goodbye forever.”

 

There was no guarantee to that, so Eren didn’t move from where he stood, one hand clasped around Armin’s and the other entangled in his soft blonde hair.

 

“Bye.” Eren whispered to him.

 

“For now.” Armin smiled through his tears. They said goodbye like this every single time, mostly because they didn’t know when this farewell would end, if it ever did.

 

“You’re wasting my time.” Dara strode out angrily. “Get going.”

 

“Fuck him.” Eren murmured to Armin. They giggled a little, and Armin pressed his lips to Eren’s. It was brief but sweet, so, so sweet.

 

“Be good.” Eren could feel Armin’s smile against his.

 

“I will.”

 

And with that, he turned and walked out. Armin’s team would be taking a different route to get to the wall first. There would be three, codenamed Striker, Lion and X. Striker and Lion would be going out to the last known place that the Big Three were spotted. The last one, X, would leave some time afterwards, so that by the time Lion arrived at their destination, they’d only have made half the journey.

 

In the event that the situation changed, Team Striker would turn and travel back to inform where X was stationed halfway, so that they in turn could go to notify Commander Erwin’s section. Team Lion would stay behind to ground their forces. It was all about preparation and communication.

 

Armin was part of Team X, the informants, in order to help Erwin devise a new battle plan if need be. Eren liked to think that Armin wasn’t part of the attacking squad not just for his brains, but because he was too special to put in harm’s way. If only life hadn’t proven that wrong.

 

“You ready?” Jinhai was standing there waiting for Eren outside. Dara had apparently walked off without him.

 

“I guess so.” Eren stalked past him, eyes ahead.

 

Jinhai kind of reminded him of Armin, not in looks but in character. He had short, downy black hair and his fringe flopped down at the edge of his sight in silken locks. His eyes were an intense gold, scanning Eren hesitantly. That was strange. That had always been strange. As far as he had been taught, people from Asia didn’t have gold eyes. He wondered if they could.

 

“I just think that maybe you should try to detach yourself.” He said nervously, his gaze averted.

 

“Why?” Eren was thrown by Jinhai’s suggestion. “From what?”

 

“From Armin.” He looked at him, a fragile sadness on his face. “Falling in love at a time like this will only end in regret.”

 

“Why are you saying this?” Eren pulled his cloak on. “It’s not like you.”

 

“You’ve seen me twice. You wouldn’t really know what I’m like.” Jinhai walked forward. “You’re too important for that.”

 

“How?” He jogged after him.

 

“Ah, well, never mind!” Jinhai smiled and chirped sweetly. “You and Armin are cute together. Just… forget what I said.”

 

“Sure.” Eren said unsteadily. “I’ll try.”

 

“That’s great! The horses are over there and we’ve already packed everything, so we’re good to go.” Jinhai said. “You can just go and get on your horse and we’ll be off.”

 

Eren sighed and complied obediently. He was too exhausted to do much else, or to care at all about what was happening to him. He was just tired of the conspiracies, the murders and the funerals. It was almost too much to bear.

 

He clambered ungracefully onto his horse. Everyone was already mounted and ready to leave, except for Jinhai. He was standing by the door saying goodbye to Armin. They’d only met three times, but for some reason their similar personalities sparked a small bond between them.

 

“Hurry the fuck up!” Dara yelled from where he sat on his horse. He didn’t even wait for Jinhai to respond before cursing softly and cantering ahead.

 

He kind of reminded Eren of himself sometimes, but this wasn’t one of those times. Eren would never leave a team member behind, no matter the circumstance. They were already rapidly losing enough people without adding to the numbers purposefully.

 

“Wait!” Jinhai called. He appeared to be a little scared of the idea that he wouldn’t really catch up to them in time. Frustrated tears began to accumulate in his eyes and he ran to go get his horse.

 

“Whatever.” Eren muttered to himself, kicking his horse and following Dara. He honestly couldn’t be very bothered with Jinhai at all. No one could, really. As far as he could tell, everyone hated him for being so useless. Maybe Armin had a soft spot for him because that’s what he thought of himself.

 

No one talked to Jinhai for the entire trip out. Eren didn’t even look his way. Over the years, all the soldiers had learned not to make friends with the weak – they would be the ones to die first. It wasn’t worth the pain or the effort.

 

He wasn’t even sure what _was_ anymore.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Reiner,” Bertholdt said. They were nestled close, the cold wind whipping them with a vengeance unlike any other. From where they were on the wall, squeezed in between some boxes of supplies left behind, the city seemed to be in shambles. Just ahead of them was the titan land that they had carved out from humanity’s suffering, an empire etched in blood. But who was ruling?

 

“I’m listening.” Reiner replied. His arm was tucked around Bertholdt, eyes fixed on the night sky. His strong frame was reassuring, as if his muscle and vast expanse of determination could encompass the world. That was what Bertholdt liked to believe.

 

“I think… I love you.” It wasn’t the first time he had said it. To someone who didn’t know him so well, it would seem like an insult. The insecurity. The thinly veiled internal question. The hesitant confession. But Reiner knew him completely, his insides and outsides, a well-worn traveller of the map of his mind.

 

“I love you too.” Reiner leaned down and kissed his forehead. “I’ll keep you safe.”

 

“Promise?” Bertholdt’s voice was a quiet shiver. Not from cold, he never got cold, but from the immense fear that threatened to crush him, to black out the light in his eyes and suck the air from his lungs. Only when he was with Reiner did this looming mountain above his head yield, only then did he know that he had to make it out alive. It was such a curse.

 

“Promise.” Reiner returned his usual response. It never failed to make Bertholdt’s heart skip a beat, like he’d missed that moment of living because he was too busy being – being a part of Reiner.

 

He was like a little cog turning in amongst all the wheels, functioning inside a bigger picture. He was insignificant and replaceable and unnoticeable. He thought that described him very well. In fact, and here’s the kicker, he always felt _small_. Even as he kicked the wall down on that quiet day so many years ago, he felt so goddamn small in a world so big and unfair.

 

He was only a kid then, and he couldn’t really do much else after that but cry and cry and cry. That day was when he truly realised and witnessed what death was. That was the day that his perception of loss was forced to evolve once again, from the barest notion that death was eternal to the barest truth that he had become death to the millions and yet he would never be eternal.

 

Would it be right to say he was only a kid now? He looked at Reiner before glancing to where Ymir sat balanced precariously on the edge of the wall. They had wanted to return to the village, to their home, but unfortunately enough they had had to turn back. Something had attracted their attention – word spread quickly that the Survey Corps were experimenting on humans and titans. Erwin Smith was up to something diabolical yet again, and it was absolutely crucial to find out. Reiner had refused to go without Bertholdt, and Ymir demanded to come, so it ended the three of them sat on the wall staring up at the stars.

The night sky was simply magnificent, and in the pale silver of the moonlight it looked like Reiner had been bleached of most colour. There wasn’t much light to see by anyway, though none of them had wanted to light a lamp. Bertholdt wasn’t very comfortable with the dark, but he didn’t mind this at all. Reiner was suited to being washed out in cold colours. That’s what he needed to be. Cold.

 

Bertholdt was orange glow and flame, a roar of heat that could devastate both nature and flesh alike, capable of stealing the air from people’s lungs and replacing it with thick smog that choked and stung. Fire burned out too quickly. It was not eternal.

 

“What are we going to do?” Bertholdt whispered. Reiner could see the stars reflected in his eyes. It was beautiful. “Reiner?”

 

“We’re going to do the right thing.” Reiner said firmly, but Bertholdt didn’t believe him. He knew that Reiner was telling the truth, his truth, but it was more accurate to say that he didn’t trust who Reiner was anymore.

 

Reiner was his rock, his mountain, and the thing that he relied on and anchored himself to. Then again, he had made the same mountain comparison with the sheer amount of fear he harboured. That and Reiner were similar enough to be the same thing anyway. He could see the flaws in his description of Reiner now, picking them all out easily and finding them shocking and awful but so painfully _true_. Being anchored to something is exactly the same thing as being chained to it, whether you wilfully did so in the first place or not. What it means in the end is that you can’t break free from it, you can’t leave it behind, and you can’t let it go.

 

“Do you even know what the right thing is anymore?” Bertholdt asked, his voice quivering like a scatter of tremulous notes from a long-forgotten instrument.

 

“Do you?” Reiner said quietly, really low and dangerous. His arm tensed, the muscle becoming hard and hostile. Bertholdt knew that Reiner would never hurt him, not ever, but he couldn’t help being scared because the problem was that he didn’t exactly know who the man holding him was anymore.

 

“I know that what we do isn’t.” Bertholdt dropped his gaze back down to the ruined homes and the old, musty linger of the brutal carnage that had happened years earlier. He could make out some large shapes down below, a few of them looming and lurching around. Titans, no doubt. “And what I am is no less than a monster.”

 

Reiner looked at him, a hint of surprise at Bertholdt’s boldness showing in his rather slack expression. It was a lazy kind of contempt to be displaying, and Bertholdt gritted his teeth. He waited for a reply; something of the normal sort of loving nurturing that Reiner gave him, or maybe a sharp comment. He even considered that Reiner might say something that would make his blood run cold, something that would terrify the very heart out of him. And he did, only he didn’t say anything at all.

 

And that was how it stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um so yeah I've finally gotten round to going where Reiner and Bertholdt are!~ So far I haven't gone to their perspective, but as the fight nears it gets more relevant + appropriate to do so (there's a reason why I haven't done this sooner). It's just better to get it in closer to the event that they are directly involved in, y'know? I'm so sorry that my writing is so terrible guys... -___-''''


	9. Severance

It had never been an easy thing for Levi to talk to Erwin. The harsh bitterness would always flick out from between Levi’s lips like the crack of a whip, his eyes narrowed and his muscles tensed with hatred and anger. Self-hatred, and at his own stubbornness.

 

Things had gotten easier as they merged together, as they found new habits to pick up and the means to shed old fears. It was like slipping into comfort and finding that it did fit, that there was no need to be anything else than what you were then and that there would never be such a need at all.

 

He used to feel so scared every time he made a remark and saw Erwin return him with cold glare and stiff jaw. He had always wondered if Erwin understood him well enough, whether he knew that Levi just couldn’t be soft and gentle, not like they wanted him to be.

 

It was conflicting. They wanted to surround him with people who would be dead in a week so that they could draw swords and plunge them into flesh, blood spraying out like a fountain, bubbling forth from the enormous wound. And yet they wanted him to smile at them and be pleasant, salute the people who had sent _his_ people to their deaths.

 

He was a killer, right down to the bone. He was a killer and he could never protect the ones he loved from the gaping maw of a scorching death, he could never hold their hand and say that he loved them like nothing else and now he was stuck figuring out how to breathe without them. That’s right. He was a murderer. Every time he dragged his sword through flesh, he tried not to remember that this was what he once did too.

 

Only he didn’t kill titans then.

 

When the blood came gushing out like it did every time, he did his best to move swiftly and avoid it. God knew he didn’t want it on his hands, not again. But it happened every time. Every single godforsaken time that Erwin gave the command and Levi went out to slay the titans, as much of a weapon as the swords he held in his hands, blood would always spurt out across him like he was being marked and a flash of fear would always go through his gut. It didn’t always register right away that the crimson stains would disappear, not even when the first hints of steam came with their dissipation.

 

It was a good thing it only ever lasted a split second, and that he always recovered himself before he landed and anyone could catch a glimpse of his face. There was no great difference when Erwin started giving the command with a reassuring nod his way, or when he squeezed his hand, or even when he kissed his forehead and told him to be safe. The blood, the fear, all of it remained the same. The only change was that Erwin would take his hands once it was over. Erwin, _his_ Erwin, would retrieve a handkerchief from his pocket and wipe away the red slick on Levi’s skin. There was one time that he even murmured, “It’s not your fault.”

 

Now, lying on his bed in the darkness, Levi realised that it wasn’t. It was Erwin’s. He let out a low whine, hearing his own voice so unlike himself. It was almost so strange that he didn’t care, a mix of being a person dying on the roadside and of being the curious passer-by who couldn’t bring themself to care enough to help.

 

The revelation had struck a chord in him, and terrible as it was, he couldn’t stop thinking of it. He was wrecking himself, just listening to the sound of Erwin saying, “It’s not your fault.” Over and over again in his head like a broken record, tearing away a piece of himself every time until it first got to the point where if he hadn’t opened his eyes, he would have felt like the man was in the room. With each tear that rolled down his cheek with a queer coldness, the feeling of being surreal grew more intense.

 

He felt the crush of the guilt rack his ribs in the form of sobs, ripping through his lungs like they were tissue paper. It was worse when it got to the second stage, wherein he knew that Erwin wasn’t there and a part of him knew that he would never be there and this time it was all _his_ fault. Emptiness ate at his stomach and his face twisted in overwhelming pain, his heart gnawing at itself with a dull vigour. Erwin wouldn’t be there. He wouldn’t come.

 

Levi wanted to go back, to tell Erwin that he had made a mistake and that he really did love him, that he didn’t want to die alone like he had marked himself for. But he couldn’t. That same sense of anger and apprehensiveness trailed him now, barely concealing the whip between his lips as it lashed out time and time again. He could only hope that Erwin understood him well enough, that he knew that Levi just couldn’t be soft and gentle, not like they wanted him to be. There was always the undertone of a plea for help, even as he was hurting him.

 

 _Stop me_ , it would cry. _God, will you fucking stop me_.

 

Either Erwin wasn’t listening to him or he just didn’t care anymore, because he would just return him with a cold glare and a stiff jaw and on that last note Levi curled into himself because there was nothing else for him to hold onto except his own fucking regret and killer’s bones.

 

_Oh Erwin, it’s all my fault this time._

 

_\-------------------------------------------------------_

 

Armin sat alone at the table, the plan set out in front of him. It drove him over the edge, the dried ink curling and swirling in words across the paper. That same pen could have written their freedom, it could just have easily streaked the page with the line “you are all free to go”. But it hadn’t, and instead it thrust a battle plan into his face. It seemed to laugh, as if it held a sneering smile in every curve and swoop.

 

The plans had been changing faster than he could keep up with, but now they were finalised as Levi moved on in his progress. Everything was running smoothly for the time being, or at least no bad news had reached Armin yet. He had to admit; he did have a preference for which situation he wanted out of the two.

 

The only problem currently was that the Lance Corporal was just too suspicious in his movements. It was quite clear to Armin that this went beyond simple side effects. He was surprised that Eren, being the son of a doctor, hadn’t noticed. The secrecy, the shifting eyes, the hoarse voice, those were all definitely concerning enough to pique his interest. But the question was: how bad was it?

 

He felt a burning lurch in his gut, the unholy cross between anger and fear blazing within him. How dare he? By not revealing the true nature of his health, he became a liability and therefore put everybody else in danger. He was jeopardising the whole mission and for what? A stab at being strong and cool?

 

The idea itself was laughable, but Armin wasn’t laughing. No, Levi’s behaviour was unacceptable. He wasn’t anyone to talk, dubbed the ‘weakest of the weak’ and the general softie. He wondered if anyone thought of him as Historia. If they took a look at him, saw his smile and thought that it wasn’t real. Because if they did, they would be correct. There’s only so much one person can witness before they can’t even smile anymore.

 

His heart was heavy, but he skimmed over the page again. The plan was badly put together, risky and vague. It wasn’t like Erwin to do this. Even to his last fighting breath, that man would make use of everything and everyone around him. He would leave nothing to the imagination during a mission. Yet, it clearly stated above a diagram of the procedure:

 

Team X, Overview copy (version three).

 

The current plan as updated and modified. As presented below, the Rogue Titan will go in from the left whilst Levi’s titan attacks from the right. This can be reversed according to the order in which the enemy since standing. Since our two titans are liabilities and might fail to be precise in restraining Fubar, our best soldiers will be utilised in the meantime to go in for him, timed so that this happens a few seconds before the Survey Corps titans go in. Mikasa Ackerman, flanked by two soldiers on each side, must take hold of Fubar and incapacitate him. She must then take him and withdraw and return to team Lion, where half of the soldiers will depart with her as she leaves the area.

 

Ymir might not be aware of the full extent of their plans so she is not as important in the context of extracting information, but we can experiment on her to find out more about titans and titan shifters as she would be a useful test subject. She has faster reflexes and would be more difficult to restrain, so we are now going to use an experimental drug that, when fired in exactly the right area, will act fast enough that she will be sedated and lose consciousness without being given the time to shift.

Preferably, this will also be administered to Bertholdt Fubar in the confusion once he is separated from the group. Reiner Braun will be harder to subdue, so it could be necessary to fight him. Full details are unknown. To clarify: Mikasa takes Fubar out just as Ymir is shot, and she herself will sedate him too. Reiner Braun should be sedated in addition, but if he reacts quickly enough then chances are that there will be conflict. Our titans can handle this easily. See diagram below for more details in the event of worse case scenario in which fighting involving two or more of the titans must occur.

 

“Fucking hell, Commander.” Armin muttered to himself. The curses tasted bitter at the back of his throat, a tinge of salt to his vanilla. It felt good to say bad things out loud in secret. They could never know, he would never do that to them. He needed to keep them thinking that there are still pure things out there in the world.

 

Just not here.

 

                                              ------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

Tiredly, Eren brought his horse to a stop by the caved-in shack. Dejectedly, it slumped over, the cracked windows peering up at him worriedly. He couldn’t see anything through them, green and mossy, but the door had swung open on its hinges and revealed a dusty wooden abode. Sunlight filtered in through the dust, making it spin through the air like flecks of gold.

 

“Come on.” Jinhai coaxed softly as he stopped alongside him. “There’s nothing to see here.”

 

“Can’t we just… take a break here?” Eren asked, and Jinhai winced.

 

“No. We’re already behind schedule, and…” He glanced back at the rest of the team. “Dara will be angry at us. Let’s go before he catches up to scold us.”

 

“Asshole.” Eren muttered and spurred his horse on. He didn’t want to sleep in a dead person’s house anyway.

 

“So how’s Armin?” Jinhai called and Eren groaned.

 

“Why do you care?” He bit out crossly. “You’re a stranger.”

 

“That is true. But I believe we’ve met before, and we will again and again.” Jinhai said quietly.

 

“What was that?” Eren asked just as he figured out what the man had said. “Oh. Well, that’s a given, isn’t it? We have met before, actually, and you’re bound to run into me again, being part of the survey corps.”

 

“Not exactly the way you think.” Jinhai’s eyes were a painful sadness of a people lost. “Chinese people have a saying, you know. I think that in English, it’s something like fate and love. If you love someone, then in all your lifetimes you will always search for them. If you have fate, a divine connection, you and this person will find each other every time. But if you only have love, you will never find them, and if you only have fate, you will never find people who you care about.”

 

“That’s great, I guess.” Eren shrugged. “Still kind of strange though.”

 

“I believe we have fate, Jaeger Eren. I believe this with all the people in the squad.” Jinhai smiled briefly. “But I don’t believe that there is any love.”

 

Eren was a little taken aback.

 

“That’s a bit harsh on us.” He chuckled, recovering quickly from the shock. “Of course we care about you. How do you say that we love you in Chinese?”

 

“你们爱我.” Jinhai appeared slightly troubled by this challenge. “I’m sorry, I’m just not very comfortable speaking now. I’ve gotten into trouble before for it.”

 

“Sorry. Bet you wish you had someone to talk to.” Eren’s eyes dropped to the ground as they sped onward.

 

“Nah. I only started learning English two years ago. I’m proficient enough now, I guess. It was only because the last of my family died, so I had to start fending for myself.” Jinhai said.

 

“Yeah. We all have to start doing that sometime.” Eren murmured.

 

He wouldn’t let Jinhai die, not when he reminded him so strongly of Armin. They were both pure and naïve and faced with all the unfairness of the world, but they still managed to be hopeful and diligent. Armin. Armin was soft as the clouds, like gentle rain pattering warm against the earth. Armin.

 

“Uh-huh.” Jinhai returned, and it looked as if the conversation was going to die off right there.

 

“Hey, you want to hear a saying?” Eren asked quickly. “It’s not exactly traditional, or Chinese, but my sister likes saying it.”

 

“Sure.” Jinhai brightened up considerably, his curiosity peaked. “Let’s hear it.”

 

“I’m not sure if I have it exactly, but it’s something like: this world is so cruel, but it can also be so beautiful.” Eren stumbled over it and he wondered if he had twisted it around to a different meaning, but Jinhai looked elated.

 

“It is.” He turned back to face the horizon, tears welling up in his eyes as the gold intensified with his smile. “And it can be.”

 

                                                      ----------------------------------------------------------

 

Quietly, Bertholdt sat down overlooking the ruins. As time passed, he was spending more and more time looking at the individual houses and trying to pick out the details to entertain himself with. He had started doing this at some point to keep himself busy, but now he couldn’t simply look at the big picture altogether anymore, for some ungodly reason. Every time he did, his eyes would flick into a row of hedges, or a chunk of rock resting in the sunken remnants of house.

 

He could hear the scuff of Reiner’s boots against the ground as he kicked at the rocks and chatted to Ymir. Unfortunately, they were getting bored quickly. All of them. Originally, the plan had been to head straight out, but then they had started discussing what would be a better way to go about this. On top of that, they didn’t know where certain parts of the Survey Corps were exactly. That was a problem, so they got up later than normal and decided to wait it out a bit longer in case they were given new orders.

 

Truthfully, it was highly unlikely, but none of them wanted to return and risk the chance of seeing any of their former friends. Chances were that Ymir wouldn’t be able to handle it and control herself if Krista happened to walk past, and no one could blame her, but they had to be able to rein her in. It wasn’t worth the risk of being exposed.

 

“And I said to him, ‘if you don’t give me that right now, I’ll fucking stab you’, so he just did and it was hilarious. He nearly shat himself! For a fucking teenager!” Ymir snorted derisively. “Oh, old white people.”

 

“One day I’ll be one of those.” Reiner chuckled. “ _You’re_ already old, grandma.”

 

“Call me grandma again and I’ll push you off the goddamn wall.”

 

“Let’s see you try.”

 

“It’ll make Bertholdt upset.”

 

Reiner glanced back at him sitting there on the wall, staring blankly out at nothing in particular.

 

“Shit, I think he’s already upset.” Ymir groaned.

 

“Bertholdt, you okay?” He asked.

 

All of a sudden, a million questions flooded into Bertholdt’s head. Was he okay? Who was asking? Reiner? Who was he really: the man who knows nothing, or the cold one who _says_ nothing? Which one is realer to Bertholdt? Is it his turn to play the silent game? Has too much time passed? Is it too late to answer? Do they hate him?

 

“…Yeah. I’m fine.” He said finally, dragging out the words. He was barely aware of them as they slipped slowly through his numb lips.

“That’s good.” Reiner nodded and went back to talking to Ymir.

 

 

 

Do they hate him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support guys! I've been a lazy lump~ And unfortunately, my writing hasn't improved at all. Sorry for the disappoint. :(


	10. A Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG
> 
> after I came back from Singapore, it was the Hungry Ghost Festival, so I am not allowed to mention death/illness/ghosts or even write about it. Therefore, I was temporarily banned from writing this :( I am so sorry!

“That’s good, Levi.” Hanji called out. He could hear them faintly, but only just. As if they were talking to him underwater. “You’re doing great. Your… your control over the titan form is amazing! Superb job, buddy!”

 

Sleepily, his eyes shifted around under his lids, but the eyes of the titan’s body that he inhabited projected what it saw into his mind. No biggie. Hanji prepared the same routine for him everyday, same tests, same check-ups, same everything.

 

To be honest, it would start to bore him if only it wasn’t so important that he performed well on them. That, and it still took every ounce of effort for him to stay alert and on top of things, though he was starting to feel like that would always remain the same.

 

Increasingly, he was feeling as if his own body wasn’t his own, just something that his mind was directing. It was akin to the way he felt about his body whilst inside the titan, and for some reason, that was the only time when his body and soul felt connected. Lately, they had started feeling detached. He guessed that while in titan form, his body became just as sluggish and weighed down as his thoughts. Still, it didn’t stop him from worrying about it.

 

“Right, training time’s over!” Hanji bellowed. “You can change back now, then go rest.”

 

Levi stopped the ridiculous, and frankly, dangerous, task of standing on one leg. Honestly, he didn’t understand the exact reason why Hanji chose to include that in the daily regime. After all, if he somehow managed to lose his balance and fall, that would mean potentially crushing Hanji, Erwin and Moblit, among others. Not that he was complaining about that potential.

 

Shaking the thoughts away from his head, he started trying to pull himself out of it. Usually, if he wasn’t well shifted enough, he could simply slip out of the titan form, even by accident, the way that you will easily wake up from a good dream. It meant that if he shifted in that manner, he would have to spend endless amounts of effort to keep it going.

 

Other times, it was like sleep paralysis during a nightmare. Once he started trying to get out, it was like he couldn’t stop or breathe until he did. Ultimately, it was the most terrifying thing about shifting. For him, anyway.

 

Gradually, he started to slip out of the waking world, but he was sort of aware of the titan body sinking to its knees with a thunderous boom as it hit the earth. Eh. Hanji had been telling him to get into the habit of lying down before he exited the body, but who cares? Not him. They could definitely run away in time. Why… did they act like… it was such a huge issue? Why…why is he looking at him like… like that… Erw-

 

\--------------------------------

 

Silently, Erwin watched as the titan collapsed to the ground with an almighty bang. Moments later, steam erupted from the body and Levi tore up through the neck, covered in blood and burn marks. Erwin couldn’t help but chuckle at how disgusted Levi would be if he was actually conscious whenever he came out of the titan’s carcass. Luckily, he was always already clean by the time he woke up.

 

Something inside him stirred, an urge to jog over and help him, but he stayed it. Carefully, his eyes scanned Levi with precision. Recently, he had noticed that the burns hadn’t been healing. Making a note to bring that up with Hanji later, he started over to where the plans were laid out on the table inside his tent.

 

He had just reached the door when he heard a choking noise, followed by Hanji crying out in dismay. Whipping around lightning fast, he saw them holding Levi up as his chest heaved, desperately gasping for air.

 

“Shit, Levi! What the fuck is wrong with you?” They demanded, tears springing to their eyes. “Wake up. Wake up!”

 

“Levi!” Erwin ran over swiftly, kneeling by their side. “What’s wrong with him?”

 

“I- I don’t know.” Hanji tilted his head forward. “I think he’s going to puke. Just go inside Erwin, I’ll deal with this.”

 

“You can’t tell me that.” Erwin said, but he stood up anyway. “You know what he means to me.”

 

“If he happens to wake up, he’ll be mortified. At least stand further away, you know what he’s like.” Hanji pleaded, stroking Levi’s back soothingly as he wheezed in and out. “I think he’s afraid of vomiting, he’s trying hard not to, but it’s better if he does. He’ll feel better.”

 

“Sure.” Erwin turned on his heel and moved a few meters back.

 

He closed his eyes and listened to some subordinate informing him of the test results, and when he opened them, Levi was slumped over in Hanji’s arms lifelessly. Probably still out cold.

 

Squinting, he tried to make out what the black coloured shit running down Levi’s shirt and into the grass was, and with growing horror, he realised that that was what he had coughed up. Fucking hell.

 

Noticing the shock on his face, Hanji looked grimly back at him, stroking a hand through Levi’s hair. They called Moblit over to hold Levi and monitor him, and then they jogged over to Erwin.

“We have to talk.” They said darkly, their eyes weighed down with guilt and anger.

 

“Yes, we do.” Erwin replied numbly, his eyes still wide and fixed on Levi. “How much do I not know about him?”

 

“Probably everything.”

 

“Hanji, this is serious.” His expression hardened. “If… if Levi gets hurt,” _I don’t know what I’d do._ “If he gets hurt before the operation then we will likely fail.”

 

“That’s all you care about? Erwin, there’s a possibility that he’s bleeding in the upper gastrointestinal tract.” Hanji looked down ashamedly. “That, or there’s something he’s not telling us. Prolonged vomiting, leading to tears in his oesophagus can also cause black vomit due to the blood being broken down in his stomach.”

 

“Hanji, that’s enough. It’s not that likely, seeing as he’s constantly being watched over by various staff.” Erwin sighed, trying to clear the worries from his head. “I need to look over the plan again, if you will.”

 

“On top of that,” Hanji continued, getting progressively angrier. “There are more serious conditions such as tumours and kidney disease… alcoholism, maybe a ruptured ulcer… then there’s the possibility of internal trauma, and hemorrhagic diseases too. Do you understand what that means, Erwin?”

 

“Yes, it’s a serious medical issue.”

 

“It’s not an issue anymore, it’s an emergency!” Hanji shrieked, tears pricking the corners of their eyes. “Levi… he could _die_ , Erwin. You understand?”

 

Taken aback, Erwin remained silent. Guiltily, his eyes flicked back up to Levi.

 

“I’m asking you if you understand!” Hanji raised their voice, grabbing him roughly by the collar and jerking him towards them.

 

“Hanji, I’m going to have to request that you calm down.” Erwin replied coolly, and after a moment, they let go of him.

 

“I’m – I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been thinking lately that the serum…” They refused to meet his gaze, sweat dotting their brow unevenly. “Was poisoned.” They finished with an exhale.

 

“What?” Erwin demanded. “How could you - ”

 

“It’s not like that. What I mean is that the effects of altering his DNA in such a forced manner might be fatal. Out of worry, I was examining my notes again the other night and I happened to piece up Levi’s symptoms with the problems I had previously encountered with the serum.” Tears welled up in Hanji’s eyes. “I didn’t think it was certain enough a break through to tell you, but he’s getting worse, he really is.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Erwin’s head was spinning out of control, and all his breaths seemed too shallow. “What is it that’s happening to him?”

 

“It could be that his body is rejecting it and shutting down. It’s been trying to get rid of the toxin by regurgitation but since it’s already in his system, it’s too late for that. It could even be causing his cells to mutate and multiply into cancer, at the worst case scenario.” Hanji whispered emptily. “Lastly, it’ll be organ failure. Total body shut down.”

 

“I… I don’t understand.” He stammered, running a hand through his hair. Shaking badly, Erwin realised that his vision was getting hazy and he couldn’t see straight. Fear gripped his body and stabbed his stomach repeatedly in spikes of nausea. “What’s it going to be? How is it going to even happen? Can’t you fucking fix what you _broke_ , Hanji?”

 

“If I could, I would!” They sobbed hysterically. “There’s nothing I can do. I’m afraid I’m better at fucking up than helping.” They paused. “I… I need to do another check-up. What I’ve been keeping tabs on so far hasn’t had shit to do with this, but I still noticed something unusual. I wish… I had done the full procedure. Then I might have picked up on this sooner.”

 

“And done what?” Erwin practically screamed. “Had more time to prepare his funeral? Fucking hell.” He calmed down briefly. “You know what, I’m going to my office. I can’t. I can’t deal with this right now.”

 

“Well, you better hurry up and do it before you can’t deal with it anymore.” Hanji glared at him through their tears. “I’m going to… while I still can.” They marched angrily back over to where Levi lay in the grass, head cradled in Moblit’s lap. “It’ll be alright, buddy, it’s going to be okay.” They cooed as they sunk into the dewy grass next to him.

 

Erwin just turned away. His eyes were like pools of ice, and they were about to overflow. He was going to hell anyway. Was this going to change anything? His hands trembled as he reached up to stroke the smooth band of his engagement ring threaded along on a chain around his neck. In that instant, he understood everything.

 

And he hated it all.

\------------------------------

 

Solemnly, Armin rolled the scroll back up and shoved it into his field pack. He could hear the pounding of his heart in his ears, strung high upon the silence stifling him with the unspoken questions. It was time to go.

 

He remembered once in his childhood, he saw a mouse lying dead just outside his door. Where emotion would have usually welled up inside him, he just went cold as its frozen corpse. It was lying rigidly on its back with a soft, brown nose pointed to the far horizon, pink peach-fuzz paws hooked into an eternal state of pain, tail sticking out stiffly to trail behind it. He had just stared at it, mesmerised.

 

When the time came for him to leave for school, he couldn’t bear to leave it. Kneeling down by its side, he scooped the fragile little frame into his handkerchief and slid it gently into his shirt pocket. At lunch, he asked Eren about why a mouse would have passed away, and they answered him. He did not heed their answers. He knew why it had died, but something compelled him to find their opinions. Mikasa reasoned it might have died of cold, and Eren followed up with starvation.

 

As they spoke, his hand had drifted up to where it lay, curled up in his pocket and pressed against his chest. Protectively, he hunched over to make sure they didn’t see the telling bulge of the fabric. However, that would prove to be futile.

 

As the trio were traipsing home, Armin happened to trip and fall into the ground with a small puff of the dried dirt. Gently, Mikasa helped him up and dusted him off quickly. She told him to be careful. Meanwhile, Eren, eyes wide and tinged with fear, whispered a question to Armin. Why was there blood on his chest?

 

Panic cut him and he stammered a polite goodbye before bolting down the street. He swerved corners, gasping, hands pressed tight to his chest, shoes skidding on the gravel. A wave of relief washed over him when he reached his house and he came to a stop too late, slamming into the outside wall with a loud thwack. Groaning, he slid to the ground, drawing his knees up. Tentatively, he lifted the mouse from his pocket and shakily unwrapped the red stained cloth. Lying pitifully there was the baby mouse on its side. He reached a trembling finger out to roll it over onto its back. Along the downy white fur now matted with slick was a tear in its belly, revealing the organs and intestines. Glimpsing the heart, he thought with a chuckle, _I have its heart. I have a mouse’s heart._

He knew why it had died.

 

Little Armin Field Mouse sighed one last time and swung his bag onto his shoulder. It was already time to go to battle, and his team was waiting outside. Subconsciously, his right hand drifted up to his heart to feel its pitter-patter beat, ricocheting against his ribs at high speed. And again when he went outside, he gave the salute, his fist slamming against his chest with a determined force. His eyes were dark. There were no more childhoods.

 

 ----------------------------------

 

Eren was watching. He was watching them noiselessly, mostly because he wasn’t all that interested in what was happening. Ahead of him, by the horses, Dara and Jinhai were having a huge argument. Insults and hurtful words were getting flung back and forth like bullets. Something inside him made him wince and he realised it was him and Armin. Would they ever turn out like this?

 

The two of them, like Armin and Eren, had been friends since young. Except that for them, they had begun their drift the moment they were introduced into the survey corps. Everything changed. At least, as far as Eren had heard.

 

“Fine, you know what? You can go fuck yourself.” Dara growled. “Take your papers and _leave.”_

 

“What the hell? You can’t kick me out!” Jinhai protested.

 

“I’m not. You’ve been transferred to Striker.”

 

Narrowing his eyes, Jinhai said, “I hate you.”

 

Then he stormed out, stomping right past where Eren rested on a nearby tree stump. For the moment he passed by, brief as it was, he could see the tears glistening like gems as they rolled down his cheeks.

 

He recalled breakfast earlier that day.

 

“I’m going to tell him.” Jinhai had said, gaze turned to the ground. And as he looked up, a wide grin split his face in half. “I’m going to tell him I love him.”

 

How easily feelings change, Eren thought as he tapped his chin idly, feelings and plans and lives. He wondered if his nine-year-old self would recognise him now, underneath all the pain and grit and blood. In the end, he ruled that he would. His stark anger had remained unchanged.

 

Despising that weakness… the cowardice that crouched in everyone’s hearts… it was tiring. Everyone was scared. And now it dawned on him that that was completely okay. That night in bed, he hummed a tune to himself to try and cover up the sound of Jinhai’s sobs. He didn’t want to watch anymore. He didn’t want to know.

 -------------------------------------

 

Bertholdt ran a finger along the blade’s edge, his eyes quivering with fear, yet he knew what he had to do. He was not a strong person. Never had been.

 

And now this was the final straw.


	11. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait! I got caught up in other things - I don't even have a set time for uploading chapters normally but to be honest with this I tend to slack a bit. Anyways, this is one of the last few chapters. At the very, very most there should only be four more. 
> 
> Thank you for supporting me! I really appreciate it a lot, and any kudos or feedback leaves me squealing with happiness for days :)

Sometime around noon, he slid back into consciousness with a heaviness upon his head. A feeling in his heart was off, like someone had just shoved it slightly out of place, a crooked old picture on the wall of an empty house. Sitting up slowly, he tried to open his eyes. He would be okay. If he just tried harder, he could mask it. Go back to work. Protect his people.

 

Pain tore ravenously into his entire being, and he fell back into bed with a muffled cry. He _should_ be able to stand this, he should be able to, and after all, he’s been through so much worse. Pitifully, he tried to push himself up by his arms, locking them up against the bed sheets. They were shaking, snapping back and forth with the pressure, and his bones felt hollow like all of his strength had been drunken up by some greedy demon in the night.

 

The words were broken, and delicate as his broken body, but he tried to force them past his lips. Curling his head up to clasped fists, he scrunched his eyes shut in agony and trembled. All that came out were whispers and whistles undernoted by hoarse rumbling, too quiet to fully become a voice with words.

 

““קרע שטן?” He asked himself. He didn’t even know anymore. Struggling, he produced a few nonsense phrases before altogether giving up. Severed from his culture like a fish out of water, he was helpless. No one could explain it to him now. He had lost it forever.

 

Gasping for air, tears prickled the corners of his eyes. If he could just try, if he could just try to figure any of this out, maybe something would come to him. Fears of losing languages and cultures, what were they for? What he should have been afraid of was losing his life.

 

Yet, it saddened him to consider that were his parents alive now, he wouldn’t be able to converse with them the way he would have liked. He knew Mikasa would be able to speak to their mother gently like rain down the roof tiles and a small bird singing sweetly, but he’d just stammer out the word for English like a fragmented prayer that she’d speak to him in that tongue.

 

His voice was a poison, a weapon made for wrecking people. He wondered if that was in a good way, if that was a compliment. Would he be killed so as to still be fuckable when they found his corpse? Answers lurked in his head, hissing snidely. He wouldn’t need someone to murder him now. The slaughter had already begun, his lithe body sharp and clean as a slight little blade. He was washed and repentant, ready to enter the room of a million deaths.

 

“嘘つき。” That much he knew, if not anything else. Liar’s tongue, liar’s lips, liar’s eyes do rot beneath the lids. He never wanted to see or feel anything again, never wanted to know what this suffering was. If only he was born into a poetic poverty, one where he could at least be hailed as a hero.

 

But once glory strays into moral ambiguity, a scene where the starving boy finally has to steal a morsel of food or kick an equally starving man away from him, the rich hold their breaths and put their hands to their mouths. The strings of pearl around the necks of all the women glisten, ripe with the self-absorbed air of the wealthy. Never knowing the desperation, never understanding, they leave the area quietly with hushed whisper. After all, to be a hero, he should have given up the food that would have saved his life. Somehow, he would have lived. Still healthy, still pure. Not a sad ending. A righteous one.

 

That kind of utter ignorance was exactly what kept them safe, cloaked from the plain misery in the streets. It was also why Levi considered richness a plague, a disease clouding their eyes into milk that washed everything they saw into an unfair right-or-wrong scenario where a child should die for a cause they never even understood.

 

Rage swirled around inside him, curdling in his decaying form. Heat seared his eyelids as they stung with the salt of his soul, an ocean yet to dry. Hands balled into fists, he concentrated his resolve. Swelling in his heart, anger fuelled him as he attempted to sit up again. He’d get up and do his job. He’d save those assholes, the ones who would rather him die quietly and out of sight than where he could dirty their courtyards. He’d come home the boy that kicked a killer over the edge into throes of death, and they would only see the blood on _his_ hands, take the heartbreak and numbness on his face for a scowling snarl of a feral dog. Ahead of him, they’d see Erwin and smile. The coldness in their eyes only temporarily softened for the trained beast, blue eyes and light hair like their own. Colour and vibrancy was something that they trusted, and Levi was all muted dark.

 

Crawling upright, he groaned and grunted in pain. Something stabbed him straight through the skull and he let out a scream, falling forward on his knees to cower, bending forward and pressing his face into the blankets, hands over his ears.

 

“FUCK!” He gritted, followed by a long whine, punctuated by wheezes. Tears forced themselves past his eyes as he whimpered pathetically like a wounded animal. “Uuuuuh….ah!” His voice cracked almost every second, his body tearing his mind to shreds. His belly felt like it was going to split open, his head was dipped into a fire, his arms and legs were cold and strange with a loss of sensation, just the feeling of trembling emptiness. Run until dry. Screaming until hoarse. Existing until dead.

 

“Levi!” A voice thick with emotion, swirling into his ears and met with a debate rising in his mind like bile in his throat. “Are you okay?”

 

And in that instant, Erwin was by his side, hands hovering over him. He was frozen into place where he was going to stroke his back, unsure of what harm would befall Levi should their skin touch.

 

“Why…?” Levi choked out, neck snapping upwards to stare at Erwin with wide eyes, his lips shifting into a half-clenched ‘O’, tense from the pain and loosened by surprise. “You?”

 

“I’m so sorry.” The blonde man bowed his head with a slow heaviness, as if he hadn’t completely decided what was for the best, what would hurt the least. “I’ve been letting you get hurt all this time.”

 

Levi’s muscles drooped, the agony searing his mind now fading away into merely a physical detachment. He wasn’t part of his body anymore, all along he had turned out to be parts to a machine that didn’t work. Fragments of a disjointed puzzle piece, warped away in rain and left sitting forlornly with the faded ghost of yellow smudge and red streak here and there. No one knew what he was. Or where he should be. Just that he had been broken.

“…Don’t understand…why now?” The smaller man’s voice was small and quivering. It was almost as if a piece of Armin, the cowardly, sorrowful side of him, had wormed its way into Levi. Erwin could hear the similarity in the tones, and it hurt him to see Levi like this.

 

“We’ve always played games. We’ve always had our damn pride and fucking reluctance – do you even know how long it took us to get as far as we did?”

 

“Years. Many years.”

 

“Exactly.” Erwin heaved a sigh, smoothing his hand back over his hair. “First of all, we only ever moved onto proper speaking terms because, although you never said it, had decided to respect me. Followed my lead quietly since you didn’t want to fully own up to doing so.”

 

“And?” Levi quirked an eyebrow at him dubiously. “So?”

 

“It was like we were planning a battle for god’s sake, measuring out how polite to be, what to do, how many lies of what potency to tell, everything down to minute detail as if we were each other’s enemy.”

 

“Still are.” Levi chuckled.

 

“Be quiet please.” He smiled back, his eyes clearing for a moment. Then that moment passed and they turned sad and shadowed again. “Well, what I’m saying is that we don’t have time to dance around the subject anymore. We can’t speak in code or have to diligently study body language. We’re going to have to lay it out in the open if we want to fix it in time. I… I love you. And if we can’t say that to each other after all we’ve been through together, then it’s worth fuck all, isn’t it?”

 

Levi’s eyes widened. He looked down. His hands were fiddling with the bed sheet. His whole body was liked a coiled spring. Tight. Hard. Tense. No one spoke.

 

“…Tell me why we don’t have time.” He said finally. Strangely enough, this time his voice was even and numb. Not numb – empty. As if it were waiting for something to react to, anticipating which way it should skip and hover depending on the answer. He didn’t know how to feel yet.

 

Erwin did, because his heart shattered into a million pieces. There was another silence. He gaped, looking anywhere but Levi, attempting to find a way to tell him. Tears began to flood to his eyes as he tried to hold them back, clenching his fist because he had to be strong about this. He had to be _strong_. He had to be in _control._ He had to be the Erwin that gave the commands Levi would do anything to follow. He had to be the soldier.

 

Suddenly, he felt something smooth and warm against the back of his hand. Looking up, he saw that Levi had leaned over and touched him lightly, brushing his fingers against his skin. A kind, soft, sad look played up on his face, his eyes shining wetly like polished onyx and his skin a dark gold that had all but lost its sheen. His movements only spoke of gentleness as he pulled Erwin towards him and into his arms.

 

“I know.” He whispered. “I knew it would kill me. But I wanted to be righteous for once – I want to save humanity, Erwin, like you. So I became a monster too.”

 

And the two depraved souls wept noiselessly as their mouths connected, lips against one another, the first petite but full, the colour of pale peonies, the other an elegant curve and thin as a sword’s edge, a smooth peach and beige.

 

They fit into each other beautifully, and every time the larger man ran his hands down his little treasure, it was as if he were finding every piece of him that mattered. When he murmured words of love and the deepest care, it was as if he was telling him everything that he was. Finally, he asked if it was okay to just hold him like this. Levi nodded. We’ve wasted enough time, he said. I love you, Erwin replied, marry me.

 

 

As his husband wrapped around him in an embrace, the dying weapon realised with a giddy sense of glee as he stared up at the ceiling, that he knew where he should be. And luckily enough, it was exactly where he was.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------

 

Armin knew then in his heart what was to happen – he recited it endlessly, a recap over and over because he kept feeling like he was missing something out. He was part of Team X. He would arrive at his post in around a day or more, and if they rode hard without stopping they could narrow down the time frame.

 

Eren’s team, Lion, would be arriving at their station by five in the morning, having made a three day journey, joined by Levi a few hours later, after travelling for a day or less. He should already have set off, actually. Whatever.

 

His back was taut with pain and his whole body stung, but he rode on. They would be there soon, if all went well.

 

When did anything ever go well?

 

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

Jinhai was gone before the morning. Not sure if he cared, Eren picked up a gold sash he had left behind. It was strange seeing it on its own, since it was always fastened firmly around the boy’s waist, billowing out behind him in the breeze. Now it was abandoned. Turning the silky material over, he noticed a note tied around its middle with a piece of twine.

_I love you._

Eren put it back and went off to get ready. So he did tell him anyway, huh. How nice. The camp was packed up quickly and they all set off, not one of them uttering a word, not even to the wind. Not even it was trusted to keep the secrets it was told, so instead they gifted it a silence.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

“I’m scared, Reiner.” He had whispered moments before he fell.

 

Then the screaming started – and it didn’t stop.

 

Ymir had been there when it happened, when she heard Reiner shout. She leapt over, ready to fight and protect them, but all she saw when she looked upon them was a nerve-wracking scene beginning to unfold. Ahead of her, Bertholdt was standing on the edge of the wall, the backs of his heels halfway off the other side. At that moment, a few fragments crumbled away underneath him and tumbled down into a black abyss.

 

A knife was held to Bertholdt’s neck. Sensing that her interference would do more harm than good, Ymir crouched behind a stack of crates in hiding. Steeling herself, she trained her hearing on them, watching intently. Possibly, if anything happened, she could help, so she stayed ready for action.

 

“Bertholdt, don’t do anything you’ll regret.” Reiner coaxed him, eyes wild and panicking, but he kept himself under control.

 

“Yeah, because you need me right?” Bertholdt chuckled, pressing the blade deeper to his throat. A bright line of red began to well up on its edge, shining beautifully in its reflection.

 

“Stop it!”

 

“I know you need me, Reiner. But I don’t know why. I’m useless.” Tears were flowing over in his eyes, matching the necklace of blood forming around his neck. “Besides, I’m not strong enough. I can’t take it anymore.”

 

“Are… aren’t you scared?” Reiner hollered. “Bertholdt, once you go there you can’t come back! Remember… when we were kids you were afraid of the dark? Well that’s all that is! You’ll be in the dark forever!”

 

“I guess I’ve realised that the dark is a friend. It’s soft. It doesn’t expect anything. It just waits.” Bertholdt was weeping openly now. “Or maybe I’m just jaded. Jaded enough that I’m not scared anymore because I can’t feel it.”

 

“Do it for me.” Reiner tempered. “If not for anyone else, do it for me.”

 

“I love you so, so much.” He sobbed, reaching his free hand out weakly, as if he wanted to grasp him one last time. He wanted someone to hold him as he died. “But,” He stilled for a moment, his expression calming. Only his chest still heaved and rasped with involuntary gasps for air. “I’m finally going to do it. I’m doing something for myself, Reiner. I’m sorry if it’s selfish… but I want to see what it tastes like. The other side, I mean. Because for me, death… death is just another freedom. I’m so, so, so sorry.”

 

He pushed the knife deep into his flesh, tilting backward. Wincing and crying out in pain, he tried to smile for him. Crimson trickled down through his lips as they twitched to part.

 

Ymir’s eyes widened in shock. For a moment, she didn’t know what to do. She was frozen. As if in slow motion, she stumbled to get up, stiffly. A strangled murmur of Bertholdt’s name made it past her lips as she moved.

 

“Bertholdt!” Reiner screamed, his voice breaking into a hundred different notes that pierced the air like fireworks. “Bertholdt, don’t!”

 

“I’m scared, Reiner.” He whispered, his gurgling voice barely recognisable.

 

And then, with one final sway, he dropped away into the unknown. Her eyes stinging, Ymir tried to run to his side, down the wall. In her heart, she knew she wouldn’t make it in time. But the way that he had beamed as he said goodbye… made her think of Christa. With a final burst of energy, she pushed forward and shot after him, arms stretched out to try and take him back while the sky spread itself above them, hundreds of stars twinkling in a world ready to snatch Bertholdt away.

 

Her fingers stretched out, hundreds of ideas sparked up in her mind like flares, regret salted her lips, she could still feel the stone against the toes of her right foot. Shoving her hand into her mouth, she bit down hard as she plummeted. She could hear Reiner yelling, lost and more confused than afraid.

 

For a moment, in her blurring vision, she saw the blood falling upwards in a trickle from Bertholdt. And in it, she saw the galaxy flashing past her. It was in his eyes too, his smile serene now. Then he closed them slowly, as if it was once and for all. Straining her shoulder, she reached out as she shifted forms.

 

The tips of her fingers brushed against his arm, and with a jerk of her arm, they ghosted his cheeks.

 

And that was all.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

Sitting in amongst the wreckage later, she thought about Christa. How they had laughed together, the memories tinted with sun and washed through as if they had gold in their veins.

 

“I love you, Ymir.” She had said, giggling beautifully.

 

Christa would say randomly, “I’ll always love you.”

 

And add, “No matter what.”

 

“Are titans really monsters?” She’d wonder.

 

“What exactly can you heal?” She’d ask.

 

She’d gape for a moment, “Are you immortal?”

 

The two of them would laugh for a while at the nonsense of the idea. Then there’d be a silence.

 

“What if I died?” She’d say softly, gripping Ymir’s hand like someone was coming to rip them apart.

 

“Babe,” Ymir chuckled, though sadness swelled in her heart. “There’s only one thing I want you to do for me.”

 

After a pause, she continued, with a crack in her voice, “Don’t go where I can’t follow.”

 

Looking up in the near-darkness from where she sat, Ymir had tears streaked down her face. She didn’t even know why. But they shone all the same, like she had silver in her veins. The moonlight bathed Bertholdt, the stars singing in celebration.

 

Had she really saved him after all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting and supporting me and this story! Love you guys!  
> As a bonus, I made a little sketch of Levi's titan form in my school diary a while back:  
> http://demi-urge.tumblr.com/post/100754647681/i-cant-draw-for-shit-but-here-are-some-reference


End file.
